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1. Seek Support
Combat your sense of isolation by reaching out to friends and family. Seek the company of people with whom you can talk in a real way about how you feel. Cry on their shoulders, tell them how angry you are and talk through all your if onlys. Men may find this harder to do, but they need to find at least one person who is happy to listen to them.
2. Face Your Fears
If you have been a twosome for some time, you will have fears about being single again. Other common fears include: fear of what other people think, fear of losing control, fear of losing your kids (if any involved.) and possibly even losing your mind. Any major change can be scary so it is normal for you to feel this way. Once you have faced your fears, they will lose some of their power over you. It can help to write them down and try to look at them from a more realistic perspective. For example, you have survived life alone before so you can do it again.
3. Be honest with Yourself
Once we lose something we tend to look back on it through rose-coloured glasses, thinking only about the good bits. Take a look at your relationship and ask yourself:
a) What went wrong?
b) When did things start to go really wrong?
c) How well were we really communicating?
d) To what extent was there mutual trust and respect?
e) How compatible were we on big issues such as goals and values?
f) How well did we resolve our differences?
Even if you feel the relationship was fantastic, the fact that your partner has decided to break it off suggests there were problems. Despite your wish to be reunited, try to accept that this is one area of your life you cannot control. A relationship requires both people to be willing participants.
4. Allow Yourself to Grieve
You are not going mad, it is normal to experience:
a) Shock and disbelief
b) Gut-wrenching sadness
c) Fear and anger
d) A sense of personal rejection
Recognise your feelings as signs of grief and do what you need to get through them. In the early stages this might involve staying in bed and eating chocolate, or crying as you listen to music you both loved. Think of it as similar to having a physical injury and recognise the need to allow some healing time.
5. Do Something with Your Anger
No doubt you have good reasons to feel angry the fact that he had an affair, or she ran off with your best friend, the way he broke it off etc. There is nothing wrong with anger it is how you deal with it that is the issue. It can help to:
a) Write down the main reasons for your anger.
b) Keep track of what triggers your anger.
c) Say what you need to say to your ex in order to express your anger. If you are too angry to do this face to face then write a letter (you dont have to send it).
d) Rage at your bedroom walls or hit your pillows but maintain control of how you express your anger towards other people.
6. Maintain your Routine
With the exception of the first few days (when you might be too distraught to face the world), try to keep up your normal routine, including going to work. Be careful however of becoming too busy, as this could lead you to bury all your feelings rather than learning from them and getting over your loss.
7. Protect your Self-esteem
Rejection will undoubtedly strike a blow at your self-esteem. Just about everyone ask themselves, Whats wrong with me? This may lead you to doubt your attractiveness or lovability. Yet, if you stand back and look at the bigger picture, break-ups are to be expected as part of the process of finding someone with whom you are suited. While you may not feel it now, there is every reason to believe that you will meet someone new someone who is meant for you. |
