The Slave or the Master, the controller or the controlled, what part of the relationship dynamic do you play?
Whatever role it is, be assured that you do play a part, and both sides have positive benefits and negative drawbacks. If you’ve ever been in close proximity of a total control freak, you probably wont believe me, but there is more to the dynamic of this relationship than meets the eye.
The assertive, master controller:
These people are often leaders who like to be organized and pro-actively get things done. They are terrified of being vulnerable, and being in control of themselves and others is a way of managing high levels of anxiety. They find peace by controlling everyone else, therefore lessoning the incidence of their own life being out of control.
The assertive controller welcomes the opportunity to take responsibility of areas, which others don’t care for, therefore being the one who’s happy to make the decisions, spending time and energy looking after details. This could be anything from handling the household finances, to organizing date nights and holidays. Taking the load and being responsible is second nature, leaving lesser areas of accountability for their love-mate.
The perfectionist controller wants everything and everyone to be of the same high standards they aspire to, and their lack of trust in others to be, do and behave in a manner they feel befitting can be oppressive. Not to mention their need to be right, all the time, a lack of flexibility and a super criticalness.
Now for the good news: In the process, they will stretch you to achieve the highest level in anything you do, by raising the benchmark resulting in you becoming the best you can be; now that is a gift to be grateful for!
The submissive passive, slave controller:
When taking on the role of the one being controlled, you become submissive and in this scenario, force the other person to take on the more responsible role with you getting to do the nicer jobs. For instance, rather than organizing an event, you’ll be the meeter and greater, if there are children involved you get to be the good guy. The more responsible tasks fall on your partner’s shoulders with you not having to get overly stressed about everyday necessities. Your partner becomes the chariot and you go along for the ride. Ah, but is the price of giving up the reins of the chariot worth the ride? For some it is perfect, for others the payment is too high.
The Slave and the Master, when does it work?
It works when both can appreciate each other’s roles, seeing them as different, but equal.
When does it NOT work?
When one or both feel, they are being compromised in some way by allowing themselves to be changed or molded further than they are innately comfortable with. Compromise is necessary in all relationships, however if the assertive controller is asking their partner to change how they are, not just what they do, then it’s inevitable that a break down will occur. And, if the passive controller is asking their partner to take on more responsibility than their comfortable with, disharmony will follow.
As always, communication is the key to coping no matter what role you play. Stay calm, listen carefully and ask questions. The people, we are closest to, give us an opportunity to learn more about who we are as unique individuals. Behind every rainy cloud, there’s a rainbow and the relationship controlling dynamic is no exception.