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whiteringmoon

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About whiteringmoon

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  1. whiteringmoon

    Notes from the sojourn

    Daylight is here. It's Sunday morning and my ambition has not gotten up yet. So here I sit. I got a bd card from my mother. I'm amazed she could still write considering the problems with her eyes. So it was nice to see that she could do that. I called and talked to her yesterday and that stupid thing about do I still have my job, such that it is, was there...I hate that statement. It's right up there with all the other stupid statements that are like nails on a chalk board. I want to puke when she says that thing about the job. All those phone calls with the first thing out of her mouth being "do you have a job yet?" it got to the point where I really wanted to send a good strong right hook her way and scream at her "I told you the frickin doors in the town are all locked tight, and there is no job in this town. What part of that don't you understand? And if you do, then stop asking me." Some of the after math of the steam roller has been the anger gone rage coming to the surface. Things of the past coming up that have left lasting scars on my mind and my heart. The wounds I inflicted on my skin left no scars. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. At least there would be something to show that I added to the wounding. I have no problem taking responsibility for my actions. I wish I knew when things were going to change and get better. I'm so tired of being in this place. I'm tired of being in this much pain. My requests for death to come haven't been answered, or maybe they have and the answer is just no, and the feel of you just keep going through it because its where you are and it will end when it ends. But you don't get to get out early, sorry, too bad, get used to it because we haven't decided when we want to stop it.... this is what it feels like...all the time...every single day. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I know that there are people who are going through way worse than what I've gone through, but knowing that doesn't make me feel better. I want to b*tch slap all those people who have said things that are suppose to make me realize that I'm not the only one going through hard stuff and the other one, that there are people who are in worse places than you kind of crap...I know this. I know this. I know this. I'm still in pain and it's deep and it is often so heavy that it makes it hard to breathe ok? This is what I want them to understand. But they don't get that part. More rage...so much. I will be glad when it's all flushed out. Maybe I will find parts of my humanity sticking to things when it's done being washed out. I hope so. I wish I understood why all of this has happened. I wish I understood whether or not it's karma or if it's just that sometimes in life people live under a down pour of hard rain, and that is just what it is. There is no fixing it, no escape, no help, it just is what it is and that's all there is to it. I don't know. I don't have that answer. If I did then I still would be in pain but at least knowing would be an anchor I could hold on to. That would at least be something. Anyway, it's sunday and I need to do laundry and finish the dishes.
  2. whiteringmoon

    Notes from the sojourn

    Well, after deleting most everything I wrote and waiting a while I figured it might be time to try to put something down. I've been seeking death and trying to get it to come and take me out, but no luck so far. After the steam roller came through I realized about two days after just how much of a wreck my head was and still is. I'm having serious trouble trying to figure out what to do now. Everything got smashed. I don't see any point to anything anymore. So being the practical individual that I am I decided that since everything is such a wreck and there is no way to fix any of it that it would be a prudent thing to start searching out death to come and dance with me. I've had a couple of face to face encounters with death. It was for other people with me standing between them and death and pleading for their lives. For what ever reason death honored my pleas but both times I learned that when death does that it's generally not a good thing because what the person is like after they get a reprieve and more life is they become completely impossible to be around. It's like they are a completely different person and any thing of kindness that was there before is gone after. So the next time I know someone is dying I'm going to say good bye and not argue with death for their life. I really think that the reason that was allowed to happen was so that I could understand that everything, every person has a limited run of life and it is what it is and to be happy and grateful for each day of life with the people we love. It was also a lesson in letting go. I learned the hard way. Now I wish I would have not stepped in and argued for life for these people. Anyway...I'm actively seeking death. I don't see any point in doing anything else seeing as how nothing looks to be changing for the better but has all the ear marks of going further down hill and not being able to stop it from happening....the truth is I'm exhausted from trying to live life in a place where there is no sign of life...I'm just really, really tired of living.
  3. whiteringmoon

    Notes from the sojourn

    Whoah.
  4. whiteringmoon

    Notes from the sojourn

    I
  5. whiteringmoon

    Notes from the sojourn

    I
  6. whiteringmoon

    Notes from the sojourn

    going.
  7. whiteringmoon

    Notes from the sojourn

  8. whiteringmoon

    Notes from the sojourn

    concerned.
  9. whiteringmoon

    Notes from the sojourn

    ...
  10. whiteringmoon

    I had a very gruesome dream! Should I be worried?

    That's a very detailed dream. The numbers contain two repeat numbers, one and seven. The number one which can be seen as being alone and being of leadership, leading the pack as it were. Your friend being left behind would suggest that where you are headed they will not be part of it. This is something that you will do alone but that you are stronger than you have believed. In your friendship with this person who is the most dominate? That is who decides the most what the two of you will do when you go places or do things? The number seven is significant because it is one of the spirituality numbers. In the whole picture of moving up a jeweled ladder and only you are allowed to proceed would seem to suggest that your psychic abilities are about to be increased but there is going to be a struggle with your ego or a struggle with possibly jealousy or disbelief from someone who you have looked to for approval. The dynamics of the friendship you have with the person left behind on a lower platform comes to mind. The other thing I noticed about the ladder breaking and your friend who in your dream you are concerned about but has family show up to help her while you are lead in a different direction would suggest a parting of ways because the work ahead of you is not the same as where she is going to go. The guides, the two women with instructions seem to indicate that what you are about to enter is being able to see truth in its most raw and some times disturbing form. Blood would indicate life and that in order to get to the blood there has to be raw truth which can offend people causing them to fight what you will need to tell them. The little girl with the dark hair that you had to kill seems to either be a symbol of your relationship with your friend, in the way of who is dominating the relationship. Because this dream seems to be talking about a deepening development of being able to see the raw truth or beneath the surface as in being able to see what people are hiding, you can only see the amount of blood when the killing takes place. That the blood doesn't burn would suggest that you are ready to be able to see difficult truths with out it clouding your emotions. The last thing I'd like to point out is the act of carving the number into the back seems to indicate a statement of success and ownership of stepping up to this very difficult but very needed place in this time in human history. Be aware of this that stepping into this place means that the road ahead is going to most likely be more solitary most of the time due to the nature of how things are getting ready to expand. Being able to see that the work and purpose with this requires a disconnected emotional state to the people who will come is important because they will come into your life so that the work you are doing will help them, it's important to remember that most of them will be in your life for a brief time so emotional attachment can be very devastating to you. The reality is that there will be many who won't remember who you are after they come to see you and then leave. This understanding will keep you from getting bashed about emotionally. Above all else, when you are brought into this work it means that you have been chosen to do this work.
  11. whiteringmoon

    Help please!

    This reminds me of a repeating dream that's in a cycle. Or a lucid dream that isn't done. The brain not waking up for several hours sounds like your brain is still in sleep mode. The time you wake up is the same, and your brain doesn't wake up until about 4 p.m or later. Try this to find out the full picture of what this is, keep a notebook by your bed. As soon as you wake up start writing. It doesn't matter if things are disconnected. After your brain full wakes up you can read though what you've written to look for clues that will stick out. Another couple of things to look at is how late your staying up and have you changed anything lately in what you normally during the time when your most awake. Sometimes changing things that have been routine for long time can affect everything including sleep. Stress levels can and do affect sleep, so if the stress level has increased it might be what is causing this.
  12. whiteringmoon

    Notes from the sojourn

    ....
  13. whiteringmoon

    Notes from the sojourn

    anymore.
  14. whiteringmoon

    Notes from the sojourn

    I removed what I said because this wasn't the place to put those words.
  15. whiteringmoon

    I'm not even sure of my question

    Again with the cryptic stuff. Why do you think your heart is weak? Let's start there. Put the other part of the things your saying aside and think about why you think your heart is weak. If you have to make a list of each reason so you can see it in front of you. As yourself why you have given each reason. You will have to be honest with yourself to discover the reason. People can say all kinds of things to you, good, bad, indifferent. But it's you that's living in your skin. You need to understand you first.
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