I know what you mean about finding the one. I honestly thought I found her 3 years ago. Boy was that a mistake in a half! It was three years of an on and off roller coaster of tourter. That girl scarred me and brought me down to the depths of the sea floor. I just cut her out of my life about two moths ago. When I did the weight of the world was lifted off of me. Because of her I lost all hope and I felt so helpess. I didn't want the help of God nor my Angels or Spirit guides. I just wanted to crawl into my bed and die peacefully. Two months ago I tried commiting suicide because of my ex and many other things that were bothering me. I just couldn't take anymore. I felt that I spent my whole life as a leech. I felt like I was a burden. I still do feel the same about myself.
But just a chaine of recent events that happened in my life have me gainging hope in life and my future again. I met this girl which seemed to be by chance. I was on my way with a female friend of mine who was trying to hook me and her friend up to be a couple. Well my friend and I were waiting for this girl I was seeing about a month ago. She was late coming to the mall. As my friend and I were waiting two girls walked by and one of them knew my friend. They started talking and I was just sitting there playing on my new cell phone. Well the friend of my friends friend was looking at me and turling her hair around and all the cliche signs of interest and flirting. I took notice and I started talking with the group. She found me funny and was interested.
Well the two girls had stuff to do and so did we. The movie we were going to see was starting soon. So we said good bye and went on our seperate ways. It then occured to me that I should have asked that girl for her phone number. Well it was too late and besides I was meeting another girl very soon. One that I had been seeing for a week. But I got a really good vibe from the girl who was interested in me. I regreted not getting her digits but I thought to myself oh well. Anyways the girl I was seeing that day I just didn't feel anything. I tried to force it. I was rebounding and I was very hurt from what happened with my ex.
Well 3 days later My friend and I met up with the girl I had been seeing for about two weeks. We went to dinner and I still couldn't feel a spark and I felt like I was wasting my time. I was trying and she just didn't seem to want to put any effort in. Well after dinner she had left. She gave my friend a hug but skipped me! :( "She never did that before?" So I just swallowed the sad ache down and went out side the movie theater in the mall for a smoke. My friend went to grab something from a store in the mall before our movie started. I finished my smoke before my friend was done shopping. As I was walking to the store she was at to meet her. The girl from a few days before who was really nto me came runnning out of nowhere and gave me a hug. And I asked her for her number this time. Long story short neither of us knew our new cell numbers aha. So my friend gave the girl her number and the I'm interested in would shoot her a text and get my number from my friend.
Well a few days go by and I don't hear anything from the girl. I just start to think negatively like useual. Until tuesday of the following week. I was at my other friends house on my facebook. I had a friend request and it was the girl. She didn't have face book but she made it to contact me. I may have forgot to mention that earlier. When we first met my friend asked if she had facebook and she said no. She then said "I guess I can make one to talk with you guys."
So anyways me and her were texting back and fourth a lot. And we eventually hung out that weekend and then the following monday. Then her ex called and threatened suicide because she was hanging out with me and some other people. Also because she broke up with him. From what I've gathered about him he's just a low life. He beat her and he most likely controling. Makes me sad to see good people have to be tourted like that. This girl doesn't deserve to be treated like her ex treated her.
Well the next day me and my friends were all at my place and my crush didn't text me all day. I figured there was something up with her ex. She would text me constantly and non stop. So I knew somehting went wrong. Well she had been texting my friends. And they kinda went off away from me but in my sight and started whispering. They then said "Andrew she went back with her ex." They were more concerned and hurt about that than I was. I figured that is what would happen after he was harrasing her. Anyways I still had this feeling that it would be short and she only went back out of guilt and so he wouldn't try to commit suicde. I could also tell by her facebook posts that she was not happy about being back with him.
I felt bad for her. I just got out of a really toxic relationship. In order to move on and get ahead and better yourself you need to cut the bad fruit off the tree and make the sacrifice. As much as it hurts to do so it's better that you come out not more broken or damaged than you already were.
So After all that she deleted facebook. And she didn't really text me. Besides one night. She wanted me to go to a metal show but I couldn't go. So I think about another week went by and I heard no word from her. At this point I just gave in to my negativity and depression again. I just gave up and figured she was gone now. But when she went back with her old boyfriend I knew she was going to leave him again very shortly and she would come back to me. I knew that's how the scenario would play out. I could feel it it was strange. But like I said I just gave into negative thoughts and gave up.
Well last week on monday I was sleeping and I had a very strange dream of me and this girl who was my girly friend. In the dream I also had a mistress too. And my girl friend found out about the mistress. I can't really remember what happened to much from it. I just remember being at an old school playground and there were cop cars chasing other cars. Very weird dream! So I woke up and I checked my phone for the time. Well I woke up to a very pleasent surprize :) I got a text from the girl.
I texted back ASAP! but I was still weary just from my past relationships. I just feel paranoid and that I'm going t end up getting hurt badly again. So turns out she's at the mall. So is my friend who I had plans with. And both of them ran into eachother and my friend texted me that the girl I like left her ex again because of the drama. I'm just glad that she isn't putting her self through that crud anymore and that she was smart enough to leave him again. And honestly I feel like I deserve someone like her and she deserves someone like me. I think we can both help one another greatly. As lovers and friends.
Well me and her have hung out almost everyday of the week so far except today, yesterday and thursday. I'm not complaining I need time away from people and I don't want her to think that I'm to easy lol.
So now that the story so far is done. I just wanna say that I think our meeting is no accident or coincidence. I think me and this girl were put into each others lives to help one another out in a big way. We both have mutual feelings I can tell she likes me quite a bit. And I really enjoy her company. I haven't felt this actual feeling in a very long time. I feel comfortable with her and he she feels the same with me. This maybe a little inapropiate but she passed gas in front of me and said that she was going to. It was just me and her so she feels secure around me now.
But I agree with the steady progress card. I feel like my life is starting to fall into place. I've met some people that wanted to start a metal band with me. And I wouldn't have met my guitarist if it was n't for this girl. Also she is right up my alley. She doesn't wear make up and she has the body type I like. Also me and her have the same music tastes, same spiritual ideals, we are both going through similar struggles right now. I think something may happen. I don't think of her as the "one" I'm only 21 years of age. I still have a whole life ahead of me. All I ever wanted though was to find a girl that I can relate with and understand and for the girl to understand me. I've always wanted someone who is comfortable in their own skin like I am and not caring about being judged by others.
I feel that the giving & recieving ratio is hard for me to determine. I don't have very much money and I relie on my mom to spot me money. I feel terrible about this and it makes my self esteem even lower. But I do my best to try and repay my friends and family by being a good listener and trying my best to help the through their painful times. By giving them advice about things that I have learned so far in my life. I still plenty more to learn though.
But I'm not sure if I should be paying back more to those who spot me. Or should they be repaying me by helping me? I don't like to expect things of people. I enjoy helping others and being the person who is there to pick them up when they are down. I do honestly feel that I don't get the moral suport and care that I deserve though. When I had my suicide attempt it felt like that everyone thought it was funny. As it was going on and I was popping sleeping pills trying to overdose people only laughed and recorded me. It hurts knowing that in my most darkest and vulnerable time I was nothing but a joke. But I'm still kickin' and I'm not that mad about it anymore. People are people we all make dumb decisions. We just have to own up for our mistakes.
But could the giving and recieving mean that I have to give her something or we are going to have a lot to give and recieve from eachother?
I figured that Release & Surrender meant that. I have let go of my pain from the past. I have forgiven those who hurt me. There is no point in holding grudges and dwelling on the past. The past is the past focus on your future. And I'm not expecting me and this girl to be together for the rest of our lives. I'm just expecting a nice little relationship. That I hope would last a little while maybe a year and a half. I think she can help me find my spiritual self again. I lost my soul and my faith in everything. I want it back and I want to work on my psychic abilities again. I was starting until the bad times came. I lost track and got cought up in a really bad place. The worst place I've ever been. I learned to feel what it is to actually feel dead while your body is living. It was like my body was just an empty vessel and it was on auto pilot. I don't want to go back to that feeling again! it was comfortably numb. But thinking back to that feeling it was actually scary. Even if it didn't feel like it when I was there.
Well I've taught my self to not get my hopes up and to just go with the flow. Don't stress over pointless things and just let stuff work out on it's own. I like this girl a lot. Although I had a really great vibe from her I'm still not going to expect that it's destiny for me and her to be a couple.
Although I hope for the best and that I can be with someone who I can actually relate too and who is down to earth. I'm tired of being lead on and falling for the wrong girls. It would be amazing to actually spend sometime with a good girl who knows a lot and has knowledge in spiritual matters and music and all the other things that makes her an awesome person such as her.