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sincelush

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About sincelush

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  1. sincelush

    Violence in Dreams

    So my ex of 4 years and I broke up in February. I was devastated to lose my first love and my best friend. We managed to stay friends up until recently when I found out he drunkenly made out with a friend of his (he broke up with me on the grounds that he wanted to be alone). It destroyed me, pushed me back to square one of the breakup and devastated me all over again. So we mutually decided to stop talking because my heart could never heal with him in my life. I love him too much and I have a feeling that it's not quite yet over (I believe in trusting my intuition because it's often right). We had a great relationship and when he stopped growing as a person the relationship stopped working. I know he's working on himself now which is the right thing at the moment, I'm trying to take advantage of the situation and do the same. It's very difficult to move on when it's 3:34am and I just woke up from a nightmare. In my dream we had just initiated not talking (like in reality) he then breaks that to tell me he's going on a trip to Toronto with a male friend. For some reason I go into a jealous rage and start attacking him until he's bruised and begging for me to stop. Overcome by guilt I start to beg him to hurt me. He never hits me in return. Then I wake up. I was never physically aggressive with him. I just don't know.
  2. sincelush

    Lost my first love

    Do you ever feel like he'll come back?
  3. sincelush

    Lost my first love

    My ex and I were together for 4 years before we broke up. It was mutually felt although he was the one to actually leave. I wasn't happy in the relationship but as soon as it was over I began to miss him. We were best friends turned into first loves. After the breakup we tried to remain friends. He used to call to console me on nights when I took the breakup too hard. We broke up in February and stayed friends up until recently. Two nights ago I found out that he had hooked up with one of his friends that he knew before we broke up. The idea devastated me. When we broke up he promised me he wanted to be alone so we can both grow individually. I believe him. I was so upset I called him to talk about it. He promised me it was a drunk mistake (which I understand and believe him). We fought, cried, talked things through and came to the only conclusion that can happen; we had to break ties. No talking, no texting, no friendship. I told him I wouldn't contact him until he contacts me (that's my own safeguard so I won't break NC). He told me he wanted me to be happy, I told him I was scared he'd forget me. We both know there is energy and love left between us. If we stayed friends it would only hurt more. It's been a day since we've started no contact and I'm a mess. I feel like we broke up all over again. I cry at work, I cry at the gym, I cry at home. All I can think about is him hooking up with that girl. I deleted his number in my phone, took him off facebook and removed anything that reminds me of him. I don't know what else to do. I've now lost my first love, the only person I've been with my late adolescent and adult live AND my best friend. I've tried to get out of the house, be with other friends, try new things, workout, work on myself- everything under the sun. Nothing shakes the feelings of devastating loss. It was like this in February then when we settled into friendship it got better. Now I'm back at square one. I wish there was a way to know if he'll make his way back into my life when we both grow. I still feel the energy between us and I have an unsettling feeling that things are not over. I've had instincts that have been right in the past but I don't know anymore. Help!
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