Jump to content
Universal Psychic Guild Forum
lil-dodo

why do people stay with cheaters?

Recommended Posts

With increased availability of technology such as high speed internet, etc. people are probably feeling a little too confident communicating with a larger number of people due to its anonymity (especially internet - ie. facebook (ah.. hello.. do you REALLY have 1000 friends?). With revolutionised internet (yes, 100Mbps as compared to the previous 28Mbps), along with mobile/cellular phones, skype etc. i can guarantee has led to a sharp increase in infidelity....

 

My question to you is.. why people stay with their partners AFTER infidelity? I know individual differences/standards come to play, but why do people complain about being cheated on but proceed to stay with the person causing the pain?? *and obsessively rummaging through emails and phone inbox is not healthy*

 

Just wanted to know your opinion as i find balanced relationships quite spiritual and if i were cheated on i would probably show my disappointment by setting the mans feet in cement and tossing him over the pier without a life jacket :angel:

 

Let me know your thoughts on this..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't know if my situation is cheating but its hard to say when you have never been in the situation. I think in order to make it work if you choose to stay together after infedelity you have to let go of everything and truly make an effort to move forward

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
My question to you is.. why people stay with their partners AFTER infidelity? I know individual differences/standards come to play, but why do people complain about being cheated on but proceed to stay with the person causing the pain?? *and obsessively rummaging through emails and phone inbox is not healthy*

 

Just wanted to know your opinion as i find balanced relationships quite spiritual and if i were cheated on i would probably show my disappointment by setting the mans feet in cement and tossing him over the pier without a life jacket :angel:

Hi Dodo! :)

 

It seems that everyone makes a statement that is similar to what you have bolded until it happens to them.

 

By my observation the reasons are many and good solid ones; sometimes the one cheated on is still in love with their partner, shared children radically change the "cement shoes" landscape, decades-long shared histories and family connections play into this decision too. This is only a sampling of the reasons given for forgiving and moving forward. I'm sure others can offer much more insight.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for the clear reply. It IS easy to say "i'll get rid of them, they dont deserve me", but i am assuming it would be much harder than words.

I know that if i were cheated on (i guess there are many more factors to consider too), i would probably want to attempt serious restoration of the partnership before tossing out into the garbage.

I just wanted to see peoples opinions is all. I mean, if a partner was a serial cheater, i wouldnt hesitate to make him "sink" (im a scorpio - i love revenge).

xxx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I place serial cheaters in the same category as alcoholics, drug and other addicts. Serial cheating could be a symptom of Sex Addiction. When I think on it, there isn't much difference between a bottle of booze, a needle full of drugs or other persons to have sex with when it comes to addiction -- addiction destroys all that it touches regardless of the addict's choice of substance.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You know this may not answer your question but the saddest woman I have ever met was a woman who was madly deeply in love with her boyfriend over of a decade. She found out she cheated, not only cheated but apparently 'fell in love' with someone else. Anyway, they kissed and made up and as she told me the story she said (I am really quoting word for word because I still remember this like it was yesterday.) 'I am a new woman now, I understand things now and see things more clearly, its my fault he cheated and now I now believe infedeility exists in all relationships'. I could not believe she really believes this. she was cheated by her man and she cheated herself too! At that moment I realized she did not love herself as much I thought she did.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
'I am a new woman now, I understand things now and see things more clearly, its my fault he cheated and now I now believe infedeility exists in all relationships'.

 

That IS very sad. :o

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well you don't understand it/other's peoples' situations because you haven't been in them.

 

I don't think I would be able to forgive a partner for infidelity, but I also don't have children to think about... I really believe that where there is love, there is a way, and I think in most situations, the reactionary choice of throwing the person out or whatever is not what is best for all involved.

 

Not saying you should just forgive them, but giving it some time definitely seems wise...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
That IS very sad. :o

 

 

Well you know I feel bad when she told me her story. I was going through a terrible heart ache...I lost my first true love, I was gutted. She tried to make me feel better and she said to me 'I promise one day you will find the right man for you who will truly love you for who you are' and I looked at her and I said 'I promise you will find the same' She was speechless. But I feel she will find that man someday! Because of her I now learn so much about love.

 

And coleb is right...we shouldn't cut someone from our lives because of cheating we should really think about it and evaluate the whole relationship. I think I would forgive and move on with my partner if he cheated if I truly deeply loved him, but if its only sex. Sex is just sex and for men it means nothing! But if its more than sex, if its like feelings and if he pours his heart out and deeply falls for another while with me, that's a huge red flag and it would mean for me a time to move on alone! I just hope it doesn't ever happen to me. So far even though I have endured a deep heart break I have been pretty lucky in the love department. Because my experiences have taught me such great things and now I think I deserve a great person. I have earned it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Paige

I'm quoting a character from "One Tree Hill"

 

"sometimes it's good... sometimes there's no one else"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest jrayvslang
With increased availability of technology such as high speed internet, etc. people are probably feeling a little too confident communicating with a larger number of people due to its anonymity (especially internet - ie. facebook (ah.. hello.. do you REALLY have 1000 friends?). With revolutionised internet (yes, 100Mbps as compared to the previous 28Mbps), along with mobile/cellular phones, skype etc. i can guarantee has led to a sharp increase in infidelity....

 

My question to you is.. why people stay with their partners AFTER infidelity? I know individual differences/standards come to play, but why do people complain about being cheated on but proceed to stay with the person causing the pain?? *and obsessively rummaging through emails and phone inbox is not healthy*

 

Just wanted to know your opinion as i find balanced relationships quite spiritual and if i were cheated on i would probably show my disappointment by setting the mans feet in cement and tossing him over the pier without a life jacket :angel:

 

Let me know your thoughts on this..

pain the need to fill the void

comfort

not having the strength to pull away

hanging onto or looking for that person they first met

not realizing the person you see now

is the true person

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It greatly depends on the circumnstances.If someone cheats but feels genuinely sorry,and is ready and willing to change their ways,then it's fine.Of course the person who got cheated on tens to become a little paranoid...but I think it's only fair that the one who was cheated on is granted access to emails,text messages,phone calls,etc.It takes a while before someone wins your trust back.

 

People aren't perfect,and stuff happens.People get drunk,people get high,people get lonely,people lose control.Forgiving is only a proof of strenght.

 

Ultimately,love is what keeps you bound to the other person after they cheated.But as jrayvslang said,sometimes other things play into this,like not being strong enough to run away or desperately needing the other person.Forgiving someone who has slipped once is one thing but continuing to forgive someone who's a serial cheater shows a lack of self-respect...though self-respect tends to run very low in love matters...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
With increased availability of technology such as high speed internet, etc. people are probably feeling a little too confident communicating with a larger number of people due to its anonymity (especially internet - ie. facebook (ah.. hello.. do you REALLY have 1000 friends?). With revolutionised internet (yes, 100Mbps as compared to the previous 28Mbps), along with mobile/cellular phones, skype etc. i can guarantee has led to a sharp increase in infidelity....

 

My question to you is.. why people stay with their partners AFTER infidelity? I know individual differences/standards come to play, but why do people complain about being cheated on but proceed to stay with the person causing the pain?? *and obsessively rummaging through emails and phone inbox is not healthy*

 

Just wanted to know your opinion as i find balanced relationships quite spiritual and if i were cheated on i would probably show my disappointment by setting the mans feet in cement and tossing him over the pier without a life jacket :angel:

 

Let me know your thoughts on this..

 

I think this is why so many marriages are sexless. Seriously, I'd have to look up the statistic, but a huge amount of couples don't have sex at all. I suspect some people stay in the relationship for practical reasons -- entangled finances, goals, children, etc. -- but refuse to have sex with the parner ever again. (I've spoken to one woman who confirmed the various tactics used to avoid sex, including teasing but cutting the man off when he tries to go all the way.) Scary stuff.

 

I say I wouldn't stay, but ya know, there are huge advantages to living with/being married to a man, including health insurance (with notable exceptions, a large chunk of women cover the part=time and low-end jobs with no insurance), cutting living expenses -- like rent -- in half, etc. I think a lot of relationships where cheating has been 'forgiven' just turn into sexless, in name only relationships, where some needs are being met (like not having to be alone, someone to help with errands/kids, etc.) And the person who was cheated either gets fulfillment from a man/woman outside the relationship -- or goes into a depression and just stays, blaming themselves -- or build themselves up to have such a wonderful independent life that they barely notice the cheater anymore.

 

What about unmarrieds, those not living together? The culprit is LOW SELF-ESTEEM. Having lost faith that there's someone for everyone, or so idolizing their partner that they are willing to hang onto their coattails vs. breaking up.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think a lot of people have a romantic idea of a marriage, and might have forgotten the work it takes to make it work.

 

The question of why people stay with cheaters is case by case. It could be low self esteem. It could be wanting to keep the family together and looking the other way. You have the cases of Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods, and they're both being handled differently.

 

The real question is to pay attention to the warning signs... because THAT is where people find themselves having affairs.

 

I don't care if it's the 1950s or the 1850s, shenanigans were going on during the Civil War as well as the Cold War.

 

I don't think there has been an increase or decrease in infidelity whatsoever. They didn't do studies back in the day. Kinsey and Masters & Johnson are 20th Century studies. When was Casanova...1600s? 1700s? Whether a guy had a courtesan or a geisha girl, they were getting some on the side for a LOOONG time. And so were women.

 

It has ZERO to do with technology. Maybe more convenient, that's about it. Before the internet you had mailmen, milkmen, etc.

 

I don't think you're going to get one answer on why people stay with cheaters. Sometimes it's just love and forgiveness. Sometimes it's looking the other way.

 

The only difference is that you can get people to answer a study accurately and not worry about being burned on a stake or lined up in front of a firing squad for answering honestly. So it might seem like cheating's out of control, but it really isn't. There's a lot less stigma when people move in together or single parenting being seen as being THAT bad.

 

But I will say to look at the bridal industry in general as big business, and the romanticism of a wedding day vs the reality of real work in maintaining a relationship.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I think a lot of people have a romantic idea of a marriage, and might have forgotten the work it takes to make it work.

 

The question of why people stay with cheaters is case by case. It could be low self esteem. It could be wanting to keep the family together and looking the other way. You have the cases of Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods, and they're both being handled differently.

 

The real question is to pay attention to the warning signs... because THAT is where people find themselves having affairs.

 

I don't care if it's the 1950s or the 1850s, shenanigans were going on during the Civil War as well as the Cold War.

 

I don't think there has been an increase or decrease in infidelity whatsoever. They didn't do studies back in the day. Kinsey and Masters & Johnson are 20th Century studies. When was Casanova...1600s? 1700s? Whether a guy had a courtesan or a geisha girl, they were getting some on the side for a LOOONG time. And so were women.

 

It has ZERO to do with technology. Maybe more convenient, that's about it. Before the internet you had mailmen, milkmen, etc.

 

I don't think you're going to get one answer on why people stay with cheaters. Sometimes it's just love and forgiveness. Sometimes it's looking the other way.

 

The only difference is that you can get people to answer a study accurately and not worry about being burned on a stake or lined up in front of a firing squad for answering honestly. So it might seem like cheating's out of control, but it really isn't. There's a lot less stigma when people move in together or single parenting being seen as being THAT bad.

 

But I will say to look at the bridal industry in general as big business, and the romanticism of a wedding day vs the reality of real work in maintaining a relationship.

 

I agree with your stance on how the current generation is approaching marriage. Before getting married, a couple should take a course on what marriage really involves. There are many good self-help books out there about creating a solid marriage too.

 

My father jokes that family trees are meaningless because cheating has been around forever, for both sexes, and back in the day (before DNA testing), people just trusted in the fact that their family tree was accurate. But around 10% of kids aren't their father's kid.

 

I did forget a category of forgiven cheaters: there are some couples who realize (after an affair) that they were making mistakes, not communicating, etc., and after the affair, decide to work extra hard on their marriage. Some of these reconcilations lead to a better, happier marriage when both parties are doing the necessary work.

 

As far as technology goes, it's far easier to have a secret affair these days. BUT it's also far easier to get traced. For every computer-history crushing program, there is a stealth keylogging or data recovery program. Phone companies will send you bills with every number called/received listed. If you are going through a divorce, they'll even track text messages (by special arrangement). Now women who suspect cheating are willing to pay over $100 to get deleted text messages recovered directly from the memory card!

 

Getting men to cheat is a BIG money maker for companies like Match.com, etc. If you set up a Yahoo! email account and say you are male, your banner ads will be all sexually related, matchmaking ads. If you say you are female, you'll be exposed to cellulite creams and anti-aging products.

 

Online matchmaking companies (with the exception of eHarmony that started adding services for building a strong marriage) DON'T want people to get married. Fidelity = $$$ loss for these companies. And corporations are only interested in profit. Therefore, they use whatever is in their power (like auto-renewing, spamming) etc., to keep those men (who have found someone) looking.

 

Remember their commercial, "It's okay to look"?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think any website influences men or women to cheat. I think the seed's already been planted long before that.

 

Everyone has a different definitiion of what cheating is. I think it's when you are attracted to someone and build a relationship with someone outside the marriage. It has nothing to do with sex as much as unmet needs in a relationship.

 

The line is crossed when you are looking outside a marriage to meet emotional needs from someone else. And there are a LOT of people in chat land doing this 24/7.

 

The biggest problems: lack of communication when things are starting to go wrong, and complacency. Everyone assumes when a marriage ends, it's because someone cheated. It's usually the stuff that led to cheating that actually ended it. Catching someone in bed or photo evidence is a physical manifestation of all the red flags along the way. The marriage was over long before that.

 

The people who make money are the ones who do well in a divorce - lawyers, private investigators, and maybe a woman who married with the intent of taking him to the cleaners.

 

The guy who came up with Ashley Madison was a divorce attorney, and is actually married. Maybe he's not ethical, but it's the whole "If I didn't do it, someone else would have already done it by now".

 

Plus in our own family trees - someone cheated at some point. Just because you think of your grandpa as doing no wrong, he was a young guy once, and probably faced temptation at some point along the way.

 

I agree with your stance on how the current generation is approaching marriage. Before getting married, a couple should take a course on what marriage really involves. There are many good self-help books out there about creating a solid marriage too.

 

My father jokes that family trees are meaningless because cheating has been around forever, for both sexes, and back in the day (before DNA testing), people just trusted in the fact that their family tree was accurate. But around 10% of kids aren't their father's kid.

 

I did forget a category of forgiven cheaters: there are some couples who realize (after an affair) that they were making mistakes, not communicating, etc., and after the affair, decide to work extra hard on their marriage. Some of these reconcilations lead to a better, happier marriage when both parties are doing the necessary work.

 

As far as technology goes, it's far easier to have a secret affair these days. BUT it's also far easier to get traced. For every computer-history crushing program, there is a stealth keylogging or data recovery program. Phone companies will send you bills with every number called/received listed. If you are going through a divorce, they'll even track text messages (by special arrangement). Now women who suspect cheating are willing to pay over $100 to get deleted text messages recovered directly from the memory card!

 

Getting men to cheat is a BIG money maker for companies like Match.com, etc. If you set up a Yahoo! email account and say you are male, your banner ads will be all sexually related, matchmaking ads. If you say you are female, you'll be exposed to cellulite creams and anti-aging products.

 

Online matchmaking companies (with the exception of eHarmony that started adding services for building a strong marriage) DON'T want people to get married. Fidelity = $$$ loss for these companies. And corporations are only interested in profit. Therefore, they use whatever is in their power (like auto-renewing, spamming) etc., to keep those men (who have found someone) looking.

 

Remember their commercial, "It's okay to look"?

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

With increased availability of technology such as high speed internet, etc. people are probably feeling a little too confident communicating with a larger number of people due to its anonymity (especially internet - ie. facebook (ah.. hello.. do you REALLY have 1000 friends?). With revolutionised internet (yes, 100Mbps as compared to the previous 28Mbps), along with mobile/cellular phones, skype etc. i can guarantee has led to a sharp increase in infidelity....

 

My question to you is.. why people stay with their partners AFTER infidelity? I know individual differences/standards come to play, bu t why do people complain about being cheated on but proceed to stay with the person causing the pain?? *and obsessively rummaging throughemails and phone inbox is not healthy*

 

Just wanted to know your opinion as i find balanced relationships quite spiritual and if i were cheated on i would probably show my disappointment by setting the mans feet in cement and tossing him over the pier without a life jacket <img src="http://forum.psychicguild.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/angel.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":angel:" border="0" alt="angel.gif" />

 

Let me know your thoughts on this..

 

The technology just played a part in avoiding sleazy bars and hotel lounges.

 

The problem is that fantasy is building a framework of a secondary romance because the primary romance was in rough shape, didn't exist, or any number of reasons why it wasn't working out.

 

People did pursue discreet encounters, but they usually had to go seek out personals or swingers ads to engage in it.

 

There's 2 things that you have to take into account - the impulsive encounter/the one night stand, vs building the secondary romance up over time, aka the affair. To me, an affair is more hurtful because you're not bothering to work on one relationship, and focusing on this other one that's starting to become your main focus.

 

Sometimes people cheat because they don't know any other way of letting the other person it's over.

 

People who are clingy get cheated on, and if they forgive too easily, it comes across as giving permission to let that person date anyone they want.

 

People forgive cheating, sometimes they just evaluate what went wrong with the relationship, the person admitting to it feels true remorse works hard to work on it, and they get past it. The ones who never forgive are going to hurt the one they love, and hurt themselves as well.

 

Like you said, individual standards come into play, but sometimes being cheated on gives that person license to have power & control over the other person, giving them a guilt trip, and that usually doesn't last for long. Too much paranoia and jealousy to deal with. If they have kids together and it was a very brief fling, they'll get over it. If it was a little deeper than that, they probably should get counseling if they're going to stay together.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Honestly I don't know.. I know of a few people that went back to their cheating partners. One lady's husband left her. Moved out etc (shortly after they moved states and they had 3 very young kids). She was shattered and tried to piece together her life. A few months later he came crawling back.. She took him back. I don't understand it, but she said she loved him and was willing to try..

 

I haven't been in that kind of situation so can't say for sure - but I don't know how you forgive and forget in order to move forward..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel some people are polyamorous and not suited for a monogamous relationship so they are fighting their own nature to make a partnership work... I think that's more a minority... if someone suddenly cheats after awhile together it's generally a symptom of a sick relationship... unwell... the cheater gets blamed... but what about the constant nagger.... or the one that always has a headache etc... the whole situation has to be taken into consideration

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×