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My second eldest brother stopped by yesterday. It was good to see him.

 

The circumstances around his visit were fated indeed.

 

As you know from my posts, my husband and I are 'pickers' -- that is, we shop used goods for objects were passionate about, to resell, hopefully at a profit (or to keep!). So lately we've been watching shows like Pawn Stars and American Pickers. I'll get back to this later...

 

Turns out my brother's life's journey was changed by a single photograph of my grandmother sitting in front of a gasoline station.

 

Turns out his property was the home of this gas station. And it turns out that the none of the locations of this specific brand of gasoline stations was known by the experts. So my brother started contacting the experts with his new information, and the experts pleaded with him to get more information, especially since he lived near the hometown of a University library that had archives of historic records from the area.

 

In his delving, he found the location of several more stations, plus the location of the headquarters, plus TONS more information that they needed.

 

He's decided to write a book about the man who founded these gas stations, as the tidbits he's discovered about this man are fascinating.

 

So in my brother's journey, many people have GIVEN him, free of charge!, tons of valuable memorable to put towards the development of his book. This includes photos, gas delivery logs, address books, and much more.

 

He was visiting our area to pick up a sign -- the very sign that hung in front of this line of stations -- and perhaps the only sign of it's kind left in the world. And his car broke down. And he needed some place to hang out while his car was being fixed. So he decided to hang out with 'sis.

 

I'm so happy for him. He's always been a dreamer, but so many of his dreams have gone up in smoke. It's wonderful to see a dream come true for him. Everything is tangible for a change.

 

And, of course, the fact that he is 'picking' is fascinating and inspiring to me and my husband. My brother came at just the right time to give me an extra dose of inspiration to re-start my business. I had always thought about writing a detailed blog about my most fascinating pieces, but lacked the follow-through. Now I'm revved up and ready to go :). To see my brother follow a dream inspires me to follow a dream.

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Nothing to do with anything, but I had two real time visions yesterday. One of a brown spider building a glistening web right in front of my face, and the second of being inside a clock. I could see the hands and numbers on the face of a clock, but they were backwards and illuminated by an exterior light, as if I were standing in a clock tower.

 

I had a huge fight with my husband on Tuesday night. He was angry about something and wouldn't tell me what. He knew if he did xyz, I would not be able to sleep, and thus would be faced with a day of pain and exhaustion the next day. But he did not care. Like I said, he was mad about something.

 

So I am guilty of picking the fight. A lot went down, and he started threatening divorce -- again. He does this once every 3-6 months? I'm guesstimating.

 

Even though I'd love to blame him for everything, the truth is that with everything going on with my mom, with my stepfather salivating over what he'll inherit if and when she dies, and with his personality being similar to my husband's in several ways -- I have to admit I'm worried about my financial future.

 

If what's supposed to happen happens, I will be coming into a lot of money. It will stop when I die. Unless I put aside a trust or savings, no one will inherit my annuity. After seven years, it will be nearly double what my husband earns, and potentially triple.

 

My husband accuses me of all kinds of things I would never do, so I have to assume what he is saying -- since he knows how I *really* am -- is projection. Is what he is capable of doing. Which would be dragging me through a bloody-rific divorce to get as much out of me as possible.

 

Most of the time, our marriage is just fine. In fact, others envy us. But when we are fighting, the fragility is exposed. I do what I can to eliminate as much fragility as possible, but the truth is, love is just by nature -- fragile.

 

I'm thinking my only solution here is a post-nuptial. I'm thinking I'll have to have a lawyer draw up a document to protect my future income.

 

Now while we are married, I'm more than happy to share any $$ I have. I've saved up a lot, and both my parents have money, and give me gifts of money, so I share it freely. I share my possessions freely, and, in fact, material possessions mean little to me because they are easily replaced.

 

But I do care about protecting my son's inheritance.

 

If my husband divorced, took my money, he could easily leave it to another woman -- and divert it away from my son. I saw this happen to my son's father. (The $19,000 he stood to inherit when his father passed was stolen by his stepmom who absconded to Florida with it.)

 

So I have to think legally how to protect my son. As for me, I hit rough spots, but I'm always protected (by family, by circumstances.)

 

This actually drives my husband crazy. He'd be far more happy if I were financially dependent on him and forced to work or beg or plead for $$. He'd be far happier if I felt more obligated to him. But as it is, our relationship is based on love. My being here is based on love. And that is just far too fragile for him. He realizes I could take off anytime (but neglects to see that I stay because I love him), and it makes him very insecure.

 

Insecure to the point of finding the only way he can regain a feeling of control is by threatening divorce.

 

The money isn't here yet. As I said before, we thought it would be seven years. But I think receiving the news that it will (or at least should) be far less time than that is throwing me for a loop. I have to decide how to proceed.

 

As for what I fear -- well, my husband calls himself manic-depressive, and during his depressive states, I am the cause for everything wrong in his life. (What's strange is that we have a very good life, very secure and fun in many ways, and he cannot see it. Maybe because I'm never depressed for long, I just cannot relate.) And I fear his verbal assaults actually affecting me. Most of the time they don't, but when my boundaries are weak, sometimes they do. So I have to tread carefully through his states.

 

(I really think it's something far more serious, but I don't dare address it with him.) His sister is on disability for bipolar disorder, so my mom leans towards thinking he's bipolar, but she's only met him briefly a few times. I have my own issues left over from a very trying, religious upbringing, but I feel like I'm at a good place in life, having survived a lot of chaos and disaster -- to come out on the other side a better, stronger, kinder person.

 

Would I be here if he had someone? That's a sticky question. He has no one. Father, dead; step-father, dead; mother, cancer and in another state; sister bipolar/suicidal and in another state. Brother, in another state. One best friend at work. And that's it. His whole reason for not moving to a better, happier place is that his one and only friend lives in this city. So I share my family with him (helping them set boundaries so they don't get hurt when he's in a phase), I share all of my love and support with him, and I do get a lot from him in return. But when he's in his bad 'state' of mind, he devalues me. He cannot see everything I've done for him.

 

I think the answer is, "Yes, I would be with him." But I do wish he'd seriously consider moving to a better place with me. Instead, he's stuck in an area that almost looks bombed out with all of the abandoned homes (foreclosures.)

 

I know he doesn't mean everything he says, and we do get around to sorting things out (what's true, what isn't) but bearing up to criticism is difficult.

 

I have a lot to work out in my mind now that this money is coming.

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Yesterday, things got much worse -- then got much better. We are still on shaky ground, but our outlook is good.

 

My husband came home with a divorce ultimatum. I have to accept that we have an in name-only relationship or divorce. So I assumed he meant: he didn't love me and he wanted to see other people.

 

But typical surprise. He loved me and he didn't want to see other people. So I wonder, how is that different from still being married? What would make an identical relationship "in name only" instead of married?

 

Turns out he was baiting me to suggest marriage counseling. But I don't feel I need it. So I'm getting the sense that he wants help.

 

With my husband, I have to dig deep below the BS to find out what's really bothering him. And two things he didn't tell me: At work, someone (who didn't have the right) got into his personnel file and spread a (false) rumor that he was going to be fired for absenteeism. Completely false. My husband is an attendence stickler. (And this is why the person chose his file; how could a person like this be on chopping block?) The new point system based on the new contract puts *everyone* on probation the first instance they are late or absent. Nearly *everyone* at the plant is on probation. One or two points does *not* mean you are going to be fired, just monitored.

 

And second, one of his good friends has been on disability for 4 weeks. His friend said if it took two more weeks, he would have to file for bankruptcy. This got my husband thinking about his own injury risks at work, and how we couldn't survive on disability. (Actually, we would survive fine for a short term stint -- savings. And as backup, my parents would pay our mortgage if anything catestrophic happened. But he's too proud to think of this route.)

 

So he tells me neither of these things, and he's secretly freaking out that because I don't have a job that could support the both of us, he's got to divorce me and find someone who is a "good earner." But he absolutely loves me (99% of evidence supports this) and doesn't want to go this route. He just wants me to work at a nine-to-fiver.

 

Well, I'm secretly freaking out because of what I found out. The only jobs within a 30 minute commute our gasoline/convenience store type minimum-wage jobs, and they're telling me they've got stacks of dozens of apps already on file to go through before they'd even get to me.

 

And, again, we're back to moving. There are no alternate positions in this town -- other than factory, which are on skeleton crews -- that would pay enough to support us. He doesn't want me on a 45 minute commute to a city (and neither do I! I hate long drives.)

 

So I tell him the truth, I'm doing the best that I can. (But the fantasy he has of me finding a good-paying job in this town is just that -- a fantasy.)

 

The crux for me and divorce is:

 

Is it me that's making him miserable?

 

Or is he a naturally miserable person?

 

I tend to suspect it's the latter.

 

I did some research on Manic-Depressive, which is what he claims he is. Apparently, it's been renamed BiPolar I? Which he found upsetting when I shared this because he didn't like having the same label as his sister -- but I pointed out, her case is much more serious.

 

And I also found out that statistically, 90% of marriages that involve a BiPolar mate end in divorce. He is twice divorced. His sister is twice divorced (and currently unwed.)

 

So we only have a 1 in ten chance of making it? Compared in the horrible 50/50 odds that were already in place, LOL?

 

Even more work cut out for me.

 

Me? I'm happy. I don't have much to be miserable about. But come to think of it, I'd be happy living in a tent with a warm blanket, a can of beans and a dvd player.

 

Am I in love with him? Yes, I have no problem loving him nearly every minute of every day.

 

I can tell when he's entering a 'fugue' state when he starts a rant, so I just calmly ride it out. (But, yes, it still hurts sometimes.)

 

Regardless, at my age, I need some stability and security. At the same time, should I divorce a person when I'm 99% happy with the marriage? Doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

 

So I do have an appointment with a lawyer. It was supposed to be regarding a divorce, but now my husband doesn't want to hear the D word. (He wants to work on it.)

 

So I think I'll start hammering out a post nupt agreement instead. This is the right time to introduce it to my husband since he brought this sitatution to a head. I think I need to start researching the bipolar situation to see if there is any hope for us long-term.

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All the steam went out of our fight, because basically it stands: we love each other tremendously. He says it and shows it every day, and so do I. We were both freaking out of financial high tides coming our way. His, fear of great losses of money. Mine, fear of great gains of money.

 

And the solution that smoothed the stormy sea was a post-nuptial. He was very taken with the idea. After seeing some of the outrageous things his friends' ex-wives and ex-girlfriends' had done, it would soothe his fears about "me". And after me seeing some of the outrageous things that happened to the other women who inherited this money (like men trying to impregnate them so they could forever drain the women of money), my fears about my spendthrift husband woulld be eased.

 

I guess what they say about post-nuptial agreements creating a more happy and peaceful marriage is true.

 

My lawyer (from a past case) was indeed shocked when I came in with everything already hammered out. No divorce plans; and a specific plan for what the post-nuptial should say. He even tried to play marriage counselor at one point, when I said, "I know what's out there, and what I have is so much better." I think he may have been looking a bit forward to the $cash$ involved with a drawn out divorce case, but he is also known for his low prices, so he instead gave me the revised quote for his post-nuptial services. This should all be finalized within a week.

 

PRECOG DREAM

 

I had a dream on Wednesday night that I was at an antique/flea market-type mall that was having an event. As I shopped, a duo of young ghostwhispers followed. Apparently, they were the girls that helped me with my own small business. They were making comments about my competitors, especially "Madame So-and-So," who's ads were so old, they were from Halloween.

 

I did occur to me that if these girls were my psychic partners-slash-sales girls, then where was my booth? No where. It wasn't open yet?

 

We finally arrived at "Madame So-and-So's" booth. She gave me a dirty look. I smiled and casually started looking at her wares. They were mostly Wicdan-type items.

 

She had something called an "oilet". This was a tiny glass dish, shaped just like glass dishes used in science labs, with gold letters painted on the bottom. It was meant to be used during annointing ceremonies, to hold the oil. This was her invention, and she was proud of it. I thought it was an interesting curiousity, so I bought it.

 

One of my girls kept pestering me to buy a gold bracelet. i kept smiling and ignoring her; afterall, there was so much jewelry to look at. But, finally, when she wandered a way, I took a moment to look at the bracelet.

 

It was composed of cryptic renditions of the human body. One "charm" might be a head, a torso and one arm. Another might be a torso and two legs. Each of these charms was linked together into a bracelet. Although the charms sounds gruesome, the bracelet was actually quite beautiful. Someone had poured molten gold metal into lines that formed these bodies, and the effect was lush.

 

So I bought it. My girls returned, and we decided to leave. The girl who wanted me to buy the bracelet said: "Did you buy it? Did you buy it? It will protect you." I pulled up my sleeve and showed her, "Yes, I bought it."

 

We went out of the building the backway. For some reason, I took a good look up and down the alley, and a good look at the back of the building. Then the dream pulled into the familiar white snow of a television screen.

 

When the white snow appears, this indicates a dream that was shown to me intentionally as a full-blown sign. And a "sign" it was.

 

PRE-COG DREAM FOLLOW-UP

 

Of course, everything happens for a reason. And my lawyer's office happened to be near the shop where I was going to ask about renting space -- but never go around to it. (I didn't even know if the new owners would be open to the idea. In fact, I was so riled over our recent events that stopping by this shop didn't even enter my mind on Thursday.)

 

I was running early, so I decided to walk down the parking alley to see if I could find a cup of coffee or something.

 

And everything looked so familiar. Not from the last time I'd seen my lawyer - I'd parked in a completely different place and never was in this alley, ever. It looked familar from my dream.

 

Then I was looking towards a building, and the "white snow" fuzziness happened. I saw that I was right behind the new antique place. And they had posted a sign in the window, "VENDOR SPACE AVAILABLE." I went inside.

 

I was quoted a price for double the space and half the price of the other store I had visited! I said, draw up the paperwork, the space is mine.

 

The owner said he had just gotten done clearing out the space, and if I had arrived much later, he suspected it would have been gone.

 

And right next to me? Another vintage clothing seller. "Madame" who?.... I have yet to meet her :).

 

Wish me luck.

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PRECOG DREAM

 

I had a dream on Wednesday night that I was at an antique/flea market-type mall that was having an event. As I shopped, a duo of young ghostwhispers followed. Apparently, they were the girls that helped me with my own small business. They were making comments about my competitors, especially "Madame So-and-So," who's ads were so old, they were from Halloween.

 

I did occur to me that if these girls were my psychic partners-slash-sales girls, then where was my booth? No where. It wasn't open yet?

 

We finally arrived at "Madame So-and-So's" booth. She gave me a dirty look. I smiled and casually started looking at her wares. They were mostly Wicdan-type items.

 

She had something called an "oilet". This was a tiny glass dish, shaped just like glass dishes used in science labs, with gold letters painted on the bottom. It was meant to be used during annointing ceremonies, to hold the oil. This was her invention, and she was proud of it. I thought it was an interesting curiousity, so I bought it.

 

One of my girls kept pestering me to buy a gold bracelet. i kept smiling and ignoring her; afterall, there was so much jewelry to look at. But, finally, when she wandered a way, I took a moment to look at the bracelet.

 

It was composed of cryptic renditions of the human body. One "charm" might be a head, a torso and one arm. Another might be a torso and two legs. Each of these charms was linked together into a bracelet. Although the charms sounds gruesome, the bracelet was actually quite beautiful. Someone had poured molten gold metal into lines that formed these bodies, and the effect was lush.

 

So I bought it. My girls returned, and we decided to leave. The girl who wanted me to buy the bracelet said: "Did you buy it? Did you buy it? It will protect you." I pulled up my sleeve and showed her, "Yes, I bought it."

 

We went out of the building the backway. For some reason, I took a good look up and down the alley, and a good look at the back of the building. Then the dream pulled into the familiar white snow of a television screen.

 

When the white snow appears, this indicates a dream that was shown to me intentionally as a full-blown sign. And a "sign" it was.

 

PRE-COG DREAM FOLLOW-UP

 

Of course, everything happens for a reason. And my lawyer's office happened to be near the shop where I was going to ask about renting space -- but never go around to it. (I didn't even know if the new owners would be open to the idea. In fact, I was so riled over our recent events that stopping by this shop didn't even enter my mind on Thursday.)

 

I was running early, so I decided to walk down the parking alley to see if I could find a cup of coffee or something.

 

And everything looked so familiar. Not from the last time I'd seen my lawyer - I'd parked in a completely different place and never was in this alley, ever. It looked familar from my dream.

 

Then I was looking towards a building, and the "white snow" fuzziness happened. I saw that I was right behind the new antique place. And they had posted a sign in the window, "VENDOR SPACE AVAILABLE." I went inside.

 

I was quoted a price for double the space and half the price of the other store I had visited! I said, draw up the paperwork, the space is mine.

 

The owner said he had just gotten done clearing out the space, and if I had arrived much later, he suspected it would have been gone.

 

And right next to me? Another vintage clothing seller. "Madame" who?.... I have yet to meet her :).

 

Wish me luck.

 

So this dream turned out to be more accurate than symbolic! On Thursday, I only rushed into the back of the store, looked at the space, and talked to the owner. I had to get to my appointment.

 

But on Friday, when I took in the payment, it turns out the owner had actually turned his store into an Antique Mini-Mall... and upon inspecting the store, I found "Madame," a woman with a jewelry stand in the front of the store. Her jewelry was not on display yet, so I could not look for the bracelet from my dream. I actually did try to speak with her, but a man was monopolizing her with conversation.

 

FRIDAY NIGHT'S DREAM

 

Very often in my dreams, I am first-person someone else. I have to go by the clues given in my dreams to figure out who I am. (Mental note: start looking for mirrors.)

 

I am driving along in a black SUV (which I don't own in RL) in the bad part of a city when I see a black man physically attacking a white man. Since they are in the middle of the street, I have to stop. The black man moves, and I can see now that he was trying to prevent a white man from beating a small boy. The white man stops beating the boy and convinces the black man he won't hit him anymore, so he pulls the boy by his shirt and leads them to their house, which is very close. I get out of my car and stealthily follow them right into the house.

 

The boy's room is right through the side entrance, right through the kitchen past a yellow refridgerator. The walls are paneled in old fashioned 70s cheap wood-look paneling. The man throws the boy into the room and slams the door. He flips around in such a way that I think he'll see me (hiding in the doorway of the house), but he doesn't, and I rush out of there, fearing for my safety.

 

I realize the gas in my SUV is running low, so I stop at a gas station very near the boy's house. The gas station is called "Blue Moon."

 

I realize that in my rush, I've pulled into the gas station on the wrong side. In the meantime, two black pastors who were filling up their cars and talking amongst themselves (as if they were friends,) spy me. They come up to me to invite them to their churches, handing me business cards and being very friendly. I am not afraid.

 

They leave as if to get into their cars, but one starts saying, "What is that hymn? The one that the white women like?" The other pastor says, "I don't remember...?" looking confused. The first pastor says, "You know the one, the one that white women like her like?" And he says, "Oh, yeah!" Then they start singing the hymn to me. (I don't remember the words.)

 

It is around here that the dream ends. I do remember a detail such as grabbing my purse, and the purse is not mine in real life, so I did start wondering, "Who am I? What am I supposed to learn from this?"

 

Well, I have to get going. Real Life is knocking. My husband and I have some vintage shopping to do, and an auction later. A dream told me a beautiful green dress is waiting for me at Goodwill :).

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