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Chiilendrina

It's just... a little crush..

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I had an interesting experience today. I found myself attracted to someone who wasn't my husband and not some movie star. Although from the way I felt inside one would think I was 15 and just met Justin Bieber. Or as i would prefer Jensen Ackles :lol: Not to say nor suggest that I don't love my husband or dont' find him physically attractive I do. His body is like that of a greek statue at the museum and if I could define his persona I would say he's like a blonde Clark Kent. He's my love ^_^

 

But this is weird for me because I honestly never think of anyone outside of my husband whom I've known for 9 years (married for 5). Superstars are whatever, they're eye candy and you don't talk to them so you perceive them as however you want. But I've seen this person at my local library before (lol a sexy librarian, omg it's such a cliche! :lol:) And well there's always been a little like 'thing' in my head that had me attracted to him. He's definitely attractive, beautiful build and has a quiet sensibility which I guess is my thing :rolleyes: Anyway, I personally tend to avoid people who I find attractive because I turn into a stuttering twit and I don't even want 'ideas' popping into my head. Like no no, go away baaaad LOL Anywho, so I've been getting books for my son at this library for like a year and a half now. I've been there previous to that and have noticed him before (I've always thought he was physically impressive although rude) but today something woke up and I'm praying it's just hormones or something.

 

It was all so innocent... My son wanted to read a certain book so as we got the dvd we came for I went to ask our usual librarian for the book and he was there. I just so happen to be in front of his desk when my High School Honors Class teacher asked me what year I graduated, I said 98. He mentioned that the other young lady was 2008. So I said "Oh so we're like 10 years apart, so you're like 22 or almost there?" And she said "yeah, but you look really young. I thought you were much younger." Anywho, this dude is listening to the conversation and asks, "So when's your birthday?" I tell him July 18th and he tells me his is March 18th. I said "cool, now I'll always remember your birthday (id**t!) since we have the same date." What I wanted to say was "huh, my husband is March 7th" but didn't and then to add that my brother is the 25 and my dad the 19th, what a small world but didn't. But then i was like no no no, no more info please. I was gonna ask him his name to be polite as I know most of the librarians but my head was screaming "NO! That's it. No more info. You're done. Look, your son wants to leave scoot!" But I could not stop thinking about him for like hrs :blink: and it's kinda freaking me out. I mean my head is so morally tight (most times :P) that when i was a teenager I felt absoluely wrong to crush on more than one person, like i had to break up one fantasy for another. Otherwise, it makes me feel like I'm cheating. :unsure:

 

Anywho, my logical self is like a crush means nothing, the mind should be allowed to venture off willy nilly sometimes. It's the equivalent of reading books or watching a romance. Besides i'm sure my husband at some point has fantasized or was attracted to some other woman. What's with the double standard, can't I do the same? Plus (not logical nor rational but I feel that) I'm sure this dude is emotionally damaged in some way, he could turn into a stalker for all i know if I give him attention. And as long as no one strays no biggie. But is that really true?

 

So what do you think? Are infatuations only reserved for the teens, singles, and the lonely or can anyone have a little crush? Are there rules to "crushing" if you're already with someone else?

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Guest Moopurple

Well, I am not a teenager and I say it's okay! :P And very natural.

But there are definitely rules to "crushing."

Don't act on it...Of course. It's fine to flirt a little, just don't go overboard. You'll know when you've crossed your personal line. If you feel like you're leading him on or leading yourself on, cease!

 

A lot of people are incapable of being fully absorbed in their significant other 100% of the time. In fact, humans did not evolve to be monogamous animals. We've just forced ourselves into those types of relationships because of societal rules. I have no problem with it because it goes hand-in-hand with the morals I have been taught and follow...but I am just saying, it's totally natural.

Personally, I am completely incapable of not flirting :/. I love flirting...it's a confidence boost. And I love to admire physical beauty. I get tons of crushes. And I love to still admire other men physically and their personality when I am in a relationship. But, if I am with a guy I have strong feelings for, straying doesn't cross my mind. They are usually quickly passing crushes.

 

It's only a bad thing if you're finding that you have real feelings for this person. Then you will probably have to back away from the relationship/friendship so you aren't tempted to do something that could ruin your marriage. You seem to be very happy in your marriage, I am guessing both emotionally and physically, so it doesn't seem like a huge risk. And after so many years of having a relationship and being married, maybe you are desiring some excitement romantically that a crush can bring?

 

If you think you have real concern about him potentially turning into a stalker, then just avoid talking to him at all costs.

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In fact, humans did not evolve to be monogamous animals. We've just forced ourselves into those types of relationships because of societal rules.

 

Actually, looking at various ethnographic and anthropological studies, it appears that most human cultures evidence long term pair bonds. These are not always completely exclusive, for sure, but they seem to be the observed majority in a majority of the cultures that have been studied.

 

- Sascha

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Guest Moopurple

(Chiili, sorry to hijack the thread to defend my point)

 

Interesting, I have to disagree.

 

I was speaking strictly biologically. We did not evolve biologically to be monogamous. Our species show no sign of doing so. All monogamous influence is cultural. Monogamy in nature is when an animal has strictly one mate for life. Most humans do not have one mate for life, many do not even have one mate at a time. Having multiple mates greatly increases chances of reproduction so there is no biological drive against it.

 

As for the majority of cultures being monogamous...I think it's more like the majority of the population is socially monogamous (having only one partner at a time is expected/accepted), but it is a small minority that is sexually monogamous, depending on your definition. To me, sexual monogamy is having one mate for life. We also work around social monogamy by semantics. Differentiating dating from a relationship by having the ability to have multiple sexual mates at a time, for example. As far as cultures go, the majority of cultures are polyamorous and polygamous/polyandrous.

http://www.mpg.de/1028786/W001_Biology-Medicine_062_067.pdf

I found many non-scholarly articles that estimated less than 20% of cultures are monogamous, but don't know if that really supports my argument being from random sources. :P In my last cultural anthropology class, the number was something like 15%...according to that article, 17% of cultures are monogamous.

Monogamy is favored by more successful cultures because male parents are more likely to take care of offspring that they believe is theirs.

 

 

Point being, it is completely common and acceptable that Chiili has this crush because it is in our biological makeup to be interested in more than one mate. Culture and biology are not the same thing. Her morals and culture will keep her from acting on it or allowing her feelings to go deeper, likely, as our minds can work around our biological pulls where we see fit.

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Interesting, I have to disagree.

 

I was speaking strictly biologically. We did not evolve biologically to be monogamous. Our species show no sign of doing so. All monogamous influence is cultural. Monogamy in nature is when an animal has strictly one mate for life. Most humans do not have one mate for life, many do not even have one mate at a time. Having multiple mates greatly increases chances of reproduction so there is no biological drive against it.

 

If you re-read my post, I never actually used the word "monogamous" in it. The term I used was "long term pair bonds", and these are evidenced even in "polygamous" cultures - especially as involves child-rearing situations. There actually is a biological downside to having "multiple mates" when, for example, a woman gives birth to a child and her mate disappears to pursue another female. Pairs where the male remains and participates in the care of a family would have a survival advantage. Such relationships, or "families", are actually quite common among human beings, even in the absence of the kind of strict "monogamy" you refer to.

 

As for the majority of cultures being monogamous...

 

Again, I never wrote such a thing. But I do contend that, no matter if they be seen as "monogamous" or "polygamous", long term pair bonds, especially in child rearing, are and have been evidenced in the majority of human cultures.

 

- Sascha

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Guest Moopurple

Oops, I assumed you were referring to monogamy when you said "long term pair bonds," as pair usually means two. Sorry.

I still stand by my points, but completely agree with child rearing being more successful between family groups. I muddled my reproductive success bit trying to keep what I was saying short...in family groups where polyamory is practiced, multiple mates mean more offspring and a community to raise it.

But I really am only talking about sexual and physical attraction and saying that being sexually or physically attracted to more than one person at a time is very common and our biological makeup allows for this. I'm not suggesting infidelity or that acting on it is beneficial in any way.

 

I'm actually an evolutionary anthropology student and you can feel free to PM me or start a subject in the debate forum if you want to discuss something further. I am not trying to shut you off if you have more to say, but would like it taken to a more appropriate place.

Out of courtesy for Chiili and her original concern, I think it's best to not continue about it on this thread!

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No no please continue! I think it's all very interesting and plays into my concerns. I just haven't quite finished my response but what ya'll have mentioned totally plays into this topic. I put this experience out there because I do want a more formal discussion on attraction but didn't really know where to start to gather my thoughts and well the folks here are always enlightening.

 

So please don't stop! I'll write more later :D

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I will definitely not be flirting lol  I've never flirted with much success.  That is if I was trying to get someone's attention it hasn't worked for me or at least my intended target was not attracted to me. Just me being me is good enough.  

 

Still having said that I'm apparently too good at flirting because I do it absolutely unconsciously and apparently to unintended targets. Yikes!  I'm just naturally friendly to everyone I know.  And for those out there that may not get that kind of attention on a regular basis it comes across as flirting.  It is so annoying that being 'nice' 'polite' and 'cordial' is misleading.  <_ i generally try not to be friendly towards men especially strangers unless of course know them in some way.>

 

Interestingly I've given what Moopurple originally said some thought.  I didn't know what the attraction meant or at least what it was alluding to.  Could I be missing something in my marriage?  So I decided to just journal for a bit and just write down all my feelings and about him without feeling like I needed to hold back. I definitely find him to be an attractive man there's no doubt about that.  He's a beautiful male specimen, just my type; tall, nordic and holy moly he's in my neighborhood.  Not some actor, not some dude who lives god-knows-where that I'll never see again.  He was a tangible, "available" human being.    It just doesn't seem possible.  So the fact that I "found" one is a shocking but pleasant surprise.  

 

I mean my husband, is such a blessing.  Not just because he is attractive but he's a pretty cool dude in most circumstances as well so Super Wow.  I honest to goodness never thought I would a) be married B) have a kid nor let alone c) be with someone who would ever make me feel like a & b was a good idea, and they were d) successful & intelligent and open minded.    Anyone else and would be settling.

 

Then I realized that it wasn't so much that I found him sexually attractive.  I actually tried playing out a scenario in my mind and nothing clicked. And if anything it just made things awkward (which, sad to say, just seems to be the case with most other men I find attractive.  Oh Jensen Ackles, if only in my dreams :rolleyes:). My brain doesn't go there even if I let or want it to.  In a way I kinda feel like something's wrong with me.  I remember talking to my husband, then boyfriend, about attraction and he said still looked and had been attracted to other women and it just didn't concern him as something wrong but just what guys do.  I've told him I can't imagine anyone else and he looked at me like I had grown an toe on my face.

 

So what was it?  Well I think it was that I was noticed by someone who I found attractive.  That there was interest in me (although a tiny bit, again school girl just met a movie star feeling) especially now that he figured out I'm not some "teenage mom." I really felt like he always seemed to look at me with contempt, like "it's a darn shame." But I figured that's just how he looked at everybody.  You know like those people who work in retail and they're just going through the motions till the day is finally over.  So when he was suddenly nice to me and took interest a part of me was like see, "I'm cool! Ha!"  Or as is usually the case, "I'm right! (that I'm cool and or attractive) ha!"  It's the validation that was so exciting, like I somehow managed to accomplish something I never thought possible. A really good looking dude just found me attractive (for what ever reason).  Plus the huge bonus, was that it wasn't the blatant vulgar kind with the snide " hola mami" nonsense. It's not my friends saying so, or my husband who thinks I'm hot even when I look and feel like a hot mess.  But someone whom I find really attractive. Wow. Holy snap! 

 

I also realized it was not the first crush I ever had.  I was crushing on a guy I used to cat sit for.  He was married to a lady who was a doctor, I thought they both were and turned out it was a computer engineer. Loving the geeks.  :rolleyes: Anyway, loved cat sitting for him just to get a look at him.  He was dreamy and sweet.  Plus the fact that we were both unavailable made it ok.  There was never any worry ever that anything I said or did would matter.  I could be my usual friendly self.  It was like a sigh of relief.  

 

This other dude, I dunno.  I once saw him visit someone in the building across from me, I'm sure it was a woman, but I haven't seen him in such close proximity to my home for I dunno a year.  I think the stalker thing was just me being dramatic.  Although I do feel that giving too much of any kind of attention would be misleading, like I said my niceness is misconstrued for flirting. But still, i think I'll keep it polite.  I'm good I'm happy, why hide it? :)  

 

Plus I think a part of my attraction to him is that I tend to be attracted to peeps who are a little broken (like most of us are).  Like something is off, they're generally nice in other ways but something is "off."  My husband, sweet & considerate but not the most empathetic. My previous boyfriend, sweet but bi-polar, before that sweet but serious mommy issues, before that sweet but physically (due to distance) unavailable.

 

As per your thoughts, I do think that crushes serve a purpose and so does attraction towards others.  Having your "radar" up for potential mates is helpful in case the current mate isn't providing for their progeny.  Survival of the species and all that.  With that said I definitely agree that long term pair bonds are more conducive towards helping the species and its progeny thrive.  I wonder if the "radar" has simply evolved, or something, in a manner that alerts us to there being something that is lacking.  You know like dreams aren't literal.  It's the minds way of trying to tell you that there is something that you need to pay attention to.  By the way I do think maybe my mind needed freedom to play "adult" games, I've played restaurant, doctor, mechanic etc with my two year old Alllllllllll day, i think I needed some adult "play" too :P. I'm a cool mom but am I a cool woman still?

 

So,  what if crushes are the same as dreams?

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Guest Moopurple

No no please continue! I think it's all very interesting and plays into my concerns. I just haven't quite finished my response but what ya'll have mentioned totally plays into this topic. I put this experience out there because I do want a more formal discussion on attraction but didn't really know where to start to gather my thoughts and well the folks here are always enlightening.

 

So please don't stop! I'll write more later :D

 

OOoh Well then...I hope if Sascha has more to add, he feels free to do so.

 

Chiili, I also flirt without forcing it. I don't know how to do it on purpose...it makes me feel silly. I think flirting might be a response that one has naturally? Honestly...no idea. I have studied human sexuality, but if that came about, I didn't pay attention. :P heh

 

Oooh and I love the tall nords as well. I am crushing on Thor. Maybe the actor who plays him a bit too, but mostly Thor. Mmmmm....ahaha (Oh...and Chris Hemsworth lives in my friend's neighborhood. The fun of California :P Another friend totally ran into him jogging. Jealous!)

 

Alrighty...adding more to this!

 

Umm...maybe you aren't being satisfied sexually? Or like...visually/sexually? Especially if you want adult play and can't imagine it with your husband. Have you ever tried it?

 

But even if you are being satisfied, you can still get crushes. Especially if someone is very physically attractive to you.

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Yay! You got your place! What what! :D

 

This guy reminds me of the Eric vampire character in True Blood. Only imagine him beefier like your Thor, and if anything he is what Eric Northman would look like in my mind in the Sookie Stackhouse books, so it's like whoa, you're real! :lol: maybe I should focus on a pot of gold next :P. I think that maybe yes he's definitely more masculine looking than my husband, physically and superficially. But I tried playing with the idea and I gots nothing. It was just too weird, like a gay man kissing a woman in a tv show. I know they're acting but the dude can't act out how uncomfortable he is with whole thing and it reads on camera. Now just imagine the discomfort coming from just me. I think I really just got more excited by the feeling. Like a school girl that just got some movie star's attention, or the freshman who got the most popular senior to finally notice her.

*Over-sharing alert*

 

Sexually satisfied I think I maybe over satisfied these past couple of weeks. I'm so tired lol we're visiting my in-laws now and it's like a much needed and welcomed break lol. I can imagine it with my husband and have played things out its pretty fun! LoL. That's not a problem I just can't see it with some else. I tried, like I really tried and it backfired. But once I was 'present' it was aaalll good. ;) But I think I meant more like just adult fantasy stuff, like romance, not so much the sexual encounters. That first feeling of connection is so overwhelming it can be amazing and who wouldn't want to relive that. Maybe I just need a date night with my husband, candle light and all that good stuff. Just to feel like I don't have a baby for a moment. I love my son but it can be exhausting. I wonder if it's my mind's way of trying to reconnect me to my pre-mom days. Gosh I remember having fantasies and crushes with boys and they would play out for several nights for months or years like a novella. It was like living in another life of my own making. Where little kids play dolls and play dress up, I did the same in my dreams every night with whomever was my current crush from like age 10 till I dunno, 17? I think i lost my dream virginity to Edward Furlong... Hmm nah i came close, it was with Elijah Wood :wub: :lol: i think the nightly fantasizing stopped when I had my first "boyfriend" (he was online & overseas). I had to decide between Elijah Wood beautiful and awesome and however I wanted him or a person who wasn't some dream but yet was but real. I think it stopped after that. I think that because my dreams had been a "reality" for so long while growing up that I don't know if I can seperate the two. At least so that I can enjoy them separately (booooooo!) Maybe my visualizations skills are too strong? Or that's just how I programmed myself? :blink:

 

Although I think I can't stop myself from enjoying looking at him so at least there's that :D I still crush on the cat sitting guy "he's so cute" lol but eye candy is eye candy. Guess I just needed to figure where I stood in this "relationship" and I use that very loosely. I think I just really wanted him to stop looking at me so scornfully or whatever.

 

Sorry I talk so much ^_^

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Guest Moopurple

I did get my place! :D

 

Hmm..I mean, by the sounds of it I can't blame you for being attracted to him.

 

Ooohhh got it. I got confused and thought you said you feel weird about doing those things with your husband. Aha...my comprehension of things on few hours of sleep is kind of...nonexistent :P

 

SO yeah...it sounds like you are fine sexually and relationship-wise, but romantically! You need something there.

Do you not have date nights once in a while with your husband? Because you totally should. I have heard that when a couple is together for a few years and lives together, it's really good for them to go on dates. Actual dates. ;)

You need a little excitement! I mean...I haven't had a long term relationship in a while, but even in my short ones, when we stopped going on dates it got boring fast. Maybe for the best there :P

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I totally need a date night. Last one was in June and we went to the movies. That's like a grander version of sitting in front of the TV. Doesn't quite count. And I can't even remember the one before that. I tell yeah the Universe and or your mind sure has funny ways to tell you something is up. :blink:

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It sounds like you and Moo have this worked out.

 

I enjoyed reading your stories and then the articles on monogamy too.

 

I just wanted to reiterate that there is nothing wrong with finding another human being attractive, and it is in fact guaranteed to happen. Also just because you've found someone else attractive does not mean that your husband or your relationship is lacking in some way. Honestly, there is nothing your husband could do to keep you from finding others attractive, and your husband also will be finding others attractive as well, it is just how we are wired biologically. There is nothing wrong with that and everything right about it. Your reaction to it has been very healthy, and now it is helping you to reaffirm what you like about your husband. You should give yourself a pat on the back! :dance:

 

Also, just because you have a crush on him, you shouldn't allow that to limit a potential friendship. As you yourself said, a crush is a fantasy, you are not attracted to him, you don't even know him! In fact, if you got to know him, the crush might fade as your dreams don't match up with reality. But even so he could be a good person worthy of friendship.

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Thanks Kai.

 

I think at most I'll keep it as a friendship/acquaintance type of relationship. I ran some cards on the situation just to see what comes up. Certain cards did bring up some of my thoughts and concerns. For example the concerns that someone may depend on me more than I can offer (aka the fear of stalking), any issues it may cause in my marriage, a life outside of caring for my toddler and adult friendship. What came up that I didn't expect was this kind of sense that it is more about a more spiritual connection. Where complete opposites attract but work harmoniously together. Nothing alluded to like, sexy sexy stuff lol yay! *Phew* :D Just kind of like intuitively this could provide growth and support. Which I found interesting because of the sense that I got that he was a little broken. And as if to reiterate my thought one of my cards said I "activate the 'Wounded Healer" archetype, whose premise is that we can only heal when we ourselves are wounded." And in two different readings there was a persistence and competitiveness which I'm going to assume is on his part but I don't know what to make of that.

 

I think what through me off and made me post was just the energy burst. I didn't know what to make of it. My husband made an interesting comment earlier in the week, he said he was "surrounded by weirdos in this apartment. Every time you start to really really enjoy yourselves and really enjoy something you want to run away." My cat when he gets a lot of affection bites, my son when he gets overstimulated by music (which he enjoys and wants to dance to) or something suddenly in the midst of it decides, 'i don't like it, stop." It's like a weird energy thing with me. I get too excited or something good happens and it's like something in my head clicks and says "Too much, Sensory Overload. Stop!" I do this with most friendships too I guess. I really enjoy my time with someone and then it's like I disappear. Like I can't handle any more :blink: ... As my husband said, "Wierdo." :wacko:

 

All things considered I won't be pushing anything on the matter. It's all good and friendly. I'll treat him like any other service representative whose facilities I patronize. And well I treat everyone I know rather kindly if I do say so myself :D In my mind, I will act like nothing has changed ^_^

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When I was younger, whenever I would get really excited about something my parents would say "what's wrong with you?!" These are the same parents who also criticized me for being quiet in school.

 

A few years ago, somebody paid me a really nice compliment, and I had the most intriguing observation into myself. It was almost like a bubble of joy was coming up through my emotions, but I pushed it back down. And for the first time ever I asked "why?" Why would I be resistant to feeling good? Why would I be resistant to accepting the praise of another? There is no good reason. So that day I made a decision to allow my feelings to be what they are. To do otherwise is just silly.

 

We feel how we feel, there is nothing "weird" about it, and everything right about it.

 

The best thing to do is have the attitude "I'm having fun, I'm enjoying myself. No one is being hurt by what I am doing, so how could there possibly be a problem? Of course there is none."

 

If anything would make someone a "wierdo," it would be resisting who they truly are, and how they truly feel. When I was a kid, I wish someone had pointed that out to me!

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Kai, that is soooo true!

 

I had a thought recently while trying to figure things out that maybe my chakra was out of balance. Like the one that deals with pleasure (2nd? Orange chakra?) or maybe the root, dunno. But I remember thinking that when I first worked with my chakras I had to learn to accept my emotions, even the bad ones. I never really put much thought into the fact that I had to do the same for the pleasureable ones too. I mean it felt good.

 

As for my son, I would like for him to take more pleasure in things, he does with specific things like one on one human interaction and such but not other things but he's growing. I wonder where/ when I got stuck. Ugh this kid is psychic I swear, can't even talk about him for min.. Why is he awake right now :rolleyes:

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Hahahaha I bet he is psychic!

 

Well, everyone is, but some people are born charging full steam ahead!

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It's a completely different subject but yes I think he truly is. Today we had a play date with a friend and her son and on the way home Z was adamant that he didn't want to go home. After i asked him several times he finally admitted that "there's ghosts there" :rolleyes: and I won't lie we recently were talking at dinner and he did/said something weird and just very out of place. I looked at him questioningly and then in the midst of it he said ghosts. :blink: anywho, I totally need to remove/regain my energy from him. I think that wakes him up too lol.

 

Energy. It's floating around out there and silly twits like myself catch it and then toss it about and wonder why I'm suddenly so giddy :lol:

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