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partofme

Can I be soo wrong?

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Im really stuck, to say it simply.

 

Ive been married for 1/2 of my adult life to this man. Ive heard enough of the horror stories of infidelity and it certainly doesnt help matters any. We both come from a place of insecurities as our relationship got off to a rocky start with our fears controlling our outlook as to our future. We've stuck it out...accusations and mistrust have more often than not, always been present.

I have felt this way before but this time, truly feel that I am dead on. I can feel soo sure that it makes me ill. Ive had situations play out to where I can all but actually catch him in the act itself, never to admit nor do I feel like he ever would.

So Im left with my head spinning. I dont want to walk away from all that we have accomplished based on my fears alone.

 

Any advice would be welcomed...

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Im really stuck, to say it simply.

 

Ive been married for 1/2 of my adult life to this man. Ive heard enough of the horror stories of infidelity and it certainly doesnt help matters any. We both come from a place of insecurities as our relationship got off to a rocky start with our fears controlling our outlook as to our future. We've stuck it out...accusations and mistrust have more often than not, always been present.

I have felt this way before but this time, truly feel that I am dead on. I can feel soo sure that it makes me ill. Ive had situations play out to where I can all but actually catch him in the act itself, never to admit nor do I feel like he ever would.

So Im left with my head spinning. I dont want to walk away from all that we have accomplished based on my fears alone.

 

Any advice would be welcomed...

 

From one extremely insecure woman to another:

 

when I was in a time of searching for that perfect mate; I got some very serious advice from wise woman who had been married 60 years or more... They told me that these events are common in the life of married people. Men while they CAN be committed will always have a wondering head/heart/body; whether it is that they are flirtatious (without doing anything) or that they would love to see if you are the "true one" or not or they actually go about and have other women.

 

they told me that to have a successful marriage I should/must learn to pick my battles and to look the other way. I would say that the main thing here is: Are you willing to start over (maybe find someone else or stay single for the rest of your life) If the answer is no, then you need to learn to pick your battles.

 

I would stand also in the other person's shoes... can you be absolutely positive, certain and sure that he doesn't feel the same way you do? Meaning that he is not afraid that you are going to leave him? I've seen people fight and hurt the ones they love "because that way they are mad and therefore when the loves ones hurt them, it will sting less" it is idiotic, but it happens.

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From one extremely insecure woman to another:

 

when I was in a time of searching for that perfect mate; I got some very serious advice from wise woman who had been married 60 years or more... They told me that these events are common in the life of married people. Men while they CAN be committed will always have a wondering head/heart/body; whether it is that they are flirtatious (without doing anything) or that they would love to see if you are the "true one" or not or they actually go about and have other women.

 

they told me that to have a successful marriage I should/must learn to pick my battles and to look the other way. I would say that the main thing here is: Are you willing to start over (maybe find someone else or stay single for the rest of your life) If the answer is no, then you need to learn to pick your battles.

 

I would stand also in the other person's shoes... can you be absolutely positive, certain and sure that he doesn't feel the same way you do? Meaning that he is not afraid that you are going to leave him? I've seen people fight and hurt the ones they love "because that way they are mad and therefore when the loves ones hurt them, it will sting less" it is idiotic, but it happens.

 

Thanks for the advice. :) There was a time when he felt this same way with me and keeps referring back to that to try and lesson my worries. I still seem to pick apart that his ways with me years ago stemmed from a guilty conscience. (as they say..one who accuses, normally is the guilty party) Although now the shoe is on the other foot, I can say Im SURLY not guilty. Reasoning behind the head spinning confusion.

He says he loves me and that we are meant to be together. But the words and the emotions from him havent been equal...until most recently. Thats what I struggle with. If you love someone, you treat them as you love them. Not by just being a provider, by having that "connection". You feel it deep within your soul. Through this battle, I have discovered that he didnt feel loved by me either. Our marriage has had many speed bumps. Ones which I would build walls and shut him out over his dependency issues. He's been in recovery for about a year now and we have grown closer.

 

Just to mention...I have a few times tried to accept that if there was infidelity, I know many marriages survive it.... and I could learn to understand the reasoning behind it if it was a mistake. A test of our love. To be intentionally lied to over and over is a far different pill to swallow in which I would walk away no questions asked. How I see it, to lie means to protect the act as if it was more important than our marriage. To keep it going incase things fell through. But for him to admit it, he would have to stop and then look like a complete idiot in which I feel is the very reason he would never admit.

 

Bottom line...Ive explained to him that I need to "feel" that he loves me, 20 years of marriage or not. If he shows me that, then it to me seems as if everything he is trying to convince me of is true and not just something to satisfy my concerns. Thats what I need to move forward.

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