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MissMe85

I think I know what I need to do

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Hey everyone!

So I'm writing because I'm at a crossroads in my life. I've been with my husband for about ten years now. He's a wonderful person, but I think I know in my heart that it's time to move on with my life. I love who he is as a person but I'm not in love with him. Don't get me wrong, I know that relationships take hard work and aren't all roses. However, I also believe that there is a certain spark that needs to be present. From the beginning it has always been very comfortable and easy but no spark. I guess what I'm saying is that I know what I need to do. I need to move on with my life. So now that I know it's time to leave, I'm still terrified. Partly because of the unknown but also because I don't want to break his heart. And I know that when I tell him, his heart will be broken. If anyone has any suggestions, insight, or advice I'd love your help.

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Hey everyone!

So I'm writing because I'm at a crossroads in my life. I've been with my husband for about ten years now. He's a wonderful person, but I think I know in my heart that it's time to move on with my life. I love who he is as a person but I'm not in love with him. Don't get me wrong, I know that relationships take hard work and aren't all roses. However, I also believe that there is a certain spark that needs to be present. From the beginning it has always been very comfortable and easy but no spark. I guess what I'm saying is that I know what I need to do. I need to move on with my life. So now that I know it's time to leave, I'm still terrified. Partly because of the unknown but also because I don't want to break his heart. And I know that when I tell him, his heart will be broken. If anyone has any suggestions, insight, or advice I'd love your help.

Of course you're terrified. It takes such a lot of courage to make this type of decision.

 

Perhaps the relationship between you and your husband simply ran its course, fulfilled its destiny. It's so seductive to feel guilt in this situation, but you know what, MissMe85, you've got nothing to feel guilty about. You may feel empathy for your husband and anyone else affected by your decision, and that's a noble thing, but you don't have to justify your choices or the reasons for them to anyone -- even yourself.

 

And of course your husband will be "heart-broken", but think how more heart-breaking it would be for both of you if you clung together like two swimmers out of their depth each dragging the other down.

 

It is never easy to 'leave' a loved-one. Sometimes being the one who moves out of the relationship is far worse than being the one left behind. The weight of responsibility is a heavy burden.It is a challenge to realise that you can still respect and like someone to whom you no longer want to be married.

 

All I can do is say that you must calmly and quietly go about making the change. Avoid getting drawn into any conflict if you can. Search your motives and when you are confident that you are acting to honour your true self go ahead and make your new life.

*hugs*

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Thank you so much for your advice Victoria. It's such a scary thought to make a decision that will effect everyone in my family. Part of me is still fearing that I might be making a mistake. I've started seeing a counselor, so I'm hoping she can help me work out all my thoughts, feelings, and doubts. All your kind words have been so sweet, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it! Thanks hun!

 

 

 

Of course you're terrified. It takes such a lot of courage to make this type of decision.

 

Perhaps the relationship between you and your husband simply ran its course, fulfilled its destiny. It's so seductive to feel guilt in this situation, but you know what, MissMe85, you've got nothing to feel guilty about. You may feel empathy for your husband and anyone else affected by your decision, and that's a noble thing, but you don't have to justify your choices or the reasons for them to anyone -- even yourself.

 

And of course your husband will be "heart-broken", but think how more heart-breaking it would be for both of you if you clung together like two swimmers out of their depth each dragging the other down.

 

It is never easy to 'leave' a loved-one. Sometimes being the one who moves out of the relationship is far worse than being the one left behind. The weight of responsibility is a heavy burden.It is a challenge to realise that you can still respect and like someone to whom you no longer want to be married.

 

All I can do is say that you must calmly and quietly go about making the change. Avoid getting drawn into any conflict if you can. Search your motives and when you are confident that you are acting to honour your true self go ahead and make your new life.

*hugs*

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It's a serious decision so of course you'll have bad feelings such as fear but when it's all said and done, you'll feel much better because you're doing what you feel is right. Everyone deserves happiness but just know that we all have to face complicated obstacles to get to the place where we feel comfortable or want to be at, just know that you'll still face difficult challenges because hey that's just how life works. There's ups and downs we wish we could avoid the crappy parts but we have to meet them face to face at some point

 

Do what you feel and know is right.

Not all things are meant to be

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It's a serious decision so of course you'll have bad feelings such as fear but when it's all said and done, you'll feel much better because you're doing what you feel is right. Everyone deserves happiness but just know that we all have to face complicated obstacles to get to the place where we feel comfortable or want to be at, just know that you'll still face difficult challenges because hey that's just how life works. There's ups and downs we wish we could avoid the crappy parts but we have to meet them face to face at some point

 

Do what you feel and know is right.

Not all things are meant to be

 

 

Thanks so much for your kind words hun. I'll be honest I posted this awhile ago and at the time I was so sure. Since then, I'm still in the same place. Convinced that I know what I need to do but still so scared to actually do it. To say it's going to be a challenge is an understatement. I think deep down, I'm still struggling with what if I'm wrong? What if I make the wrong choice and break apart my family for nothing? :( It's so hard to find the sign and/or courage I need to just do it. I've been bouncing back and forth for months now. :(

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Thanks so much for your kind words hun. I'll be honest I posted this awhile ago and at the time I was so sure. Since then, I'm still in the same place. Convinced that I know what I need to do but still so scared to actually do it. To say it's going to be a challenge is an understatement. I think deep down, I'm still struggling with what if I'm wrong? What if I make the wrong choice and break apart my family for nothing? :( It's so hard to find the sign and/or courage I need to just do it. I've been bouncing back and forth for months now. :(

 

In life we get hurt and hurt others, it pains me when I hurt people and especially when people hurt me but I know that it's part of life and I accept it either in the middle or end of the healing process

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In life we get hurt and hurt others, it pains me when I hurt people and especially when people hurt me but I know that it's part of life and I accept it either in the middle or end of the healing process

 

So I've been seeing a counselor about this and she's pretty persistant that every realtionship hits this stage and it's up to me to realize that the spark always goes away (though I never really had it in the first place) and that you have to make the adult decision to work through it. She tells me that even if I find someone else, I will feel the same way after a few years again anyway. I guess my thought is at what point do you stop forcing it and simply move on with your life? I wondering if I left him in search of the butterflies, am I just going to be a serial dater? LOL am I always going to be chasing the initial "in love" feeling and then moving on as soon as it's gone? On the flip side...is it so wrong that I want the butterflies?

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In some ways the counselor is right, but if you've never had the butterflies I guess you have nothing to compare it to. You need to look at what your future holds for you on your own before making the decision.

 

I think that you need to ask if you still love your husband. I think the feeling of being in love leaves most relationships, but a good one should be left with a feeling of love for one another. There are ways of getting that feeling back. This is a difficult question, there are so many ways of looking at it. I know I hung on hoping things would change between me and my ex, but then he left me, but the situation was different, I think.

 

What we want from a relationship changes as we learn and grow. Do you have children? If not there are only yours and his feelings to consider, sometimes it is better to be cruel to be kind. He could end up happier than he is now in the future.

 

You have to weigh up the advantages and disadvantages and make a choice based on what is best for you. Sometimes it just comes out of nowhere "I cant do this any longer, because...."

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In some ways the counselor is right, but if you've never had the butterflies I guess you have nothing to compare it to. You need to look at what your future holds for you on your own before making the decision.

 

I think that you need to ask if you still love your husband. I think the feeling of being in love leaves most relationships, but a good one should be left with a feeling of love for one another. There are ways of getting that feeling back. This is a difficult question, there are so many ways of looking at it. I know I hung on hoping things would change between me and my ex, but then he left me, but the situation was different, I think.

 

What we want from a relationship changes as we learn and grow. Do you have children? If not there are only yours and his feelings to consider, sometimes it is better to be cruel to be kind. He could end up happier than he is now in the future.

 

You have to weigh up the advantages and disadvantages and make a choice based on what is best for you. Sometimes it just comes out of nowhere "I cant do this any longer, because...."

 

I believe with all my heart that relationships take work and that those first feelings of butterflies will always dissipate. On the other hand, when are you just forcing it? That's the question I'm struggling with.

I do love who he is. He's a wonderful person and I want the best for him. To be perfectly honest, the idea of him with someone else doesn't really bother me. In fact, sometimes I wish that he would find someone else. Then I could leave without the guilt and know that he was happy. I'm just not so sure anymore that our relationship is what is best for either of us anymore. I never really had the butterflies for him. From the beginning our relationship was just so comfortable. Almost like more of a best friend feeling than "in love".

We have two children together. Of course, that's another big reason why I'm fighting with this so much because of course my decision would effect them too. On the other hand, they are young and resiliant. I know that they would be ok.

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Sorry I cant be of more help but there is only you who can make this decision.angel.gif

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Oh I know you're right. It's almost like at this point I'm waiting for a message straight from God saying "Yes, Sarah, it's ok and time to move on" LOL not going to happen though. I just need to keep my faith that all will work out as it should!

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