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ElyriaCrowley

Would you rather know?

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Hey y'all. :)

 

So anyone who doesn't know.. My boyfriend has a girl friend that he's incredibly close with. They went through a lot separately while they were friends, and the other was there to help them through it when they felt like they had no one else. And for the first few months of our relationship, I was really worried he was going to leave me for her. It was one of those.. "What if I'm not the girl he thought I was?" kind of things. I thought he wouldn't love me as much once we moved in together and that he'd realize he cared about his girl friend more than me. It took me a long time to get over that, and honestly, it's still partially there. When he talks about things the two of them did before I was around, it still makes my stomach clench.

 

But my issue is.. I don't really know what went on between them before I moved here. I don't know if they slept together (or didn't), kisses (or didn't), or if nothing happened at all. And I wonder if not knowing their past breeds even more anxiety in me. I'm sure my imagination is much more intense than what actually went on.. And that's what is making me want to ask him the details of their relationship. Maybe knowing nothing happened would make me feel better. But what if something did happen? Would I feel better or worse? I almost think that knowing that they tried it and it didn't work would make me feel better.. Because at least they tried it. And there's no "what if" hanging in the air between them.

 

I dunno. Is what I'm saying making any sense? Should I ask him? Would YOU rather know what happened? Or should I just leave it in the past and move forward with him?

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What difference does it make? What happened, happened. What didn't, didn't. Besides your own perceptions, how can the present be any different whether you know or not? I think it would be healthiest to admit these are your own insecurities, and that the answer doesn't change anything in the present. It is entirely subjective to your own feelings.

 

Moreover, you know what answer you already want to hear. It's "No, we didn't do anything." That in itself isn't good, and is likely the source of your anxiety.

 

On another note, it seems strange to me this hasn't already been discussed with him. You're living together! Aren't you to the point of honesty and openness in your relationship? That's what's more troubling to me. Wish I could write more, but have to bounce!

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I suppose to me it doesn't make a difference either way. I usually would rather know, but I have always had it made clear to me right away what the situation was, minus some details. If a man I dated had a fling or even a relationship with one of his female friends, he's always told me as far as I've known. The problem shouldn't be whether or not they have been intimate in the past, but rather whether or not you can trust that they will not be intimate while he's with you.

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I suppose you're both right. It doesn't really matter either way what happened between them. Some part of me, yes, wants to hear that nothing happened. But again, part of me wants to hear that something DID happen so that there's no regret for not giving each other a shot.

 

My boyfriend never really told me what happened between them. He said they were close, they supported each other, and he had the opportunity to be with this girl, but didn't take it. He said there was nothing between them. They're just friends. That's all I know. And I left it at that. But I recently was a very bad girlfriend and spied on him (something I'm working through in therapy). And I found an email he sent to someone two months before I moved here in which he admitted he was in love with this girl. And that just lit a fire in me, because it made me wonder, what else has he hidden from me?

 

I can understand why he wouldn't want to tell me at first. Our relationship was new, I was feeling self conscious, so he didn't want to stir the pot. But after I found his confession of his feelings for her, I managed to bring it up without it seeming like I saw the email. I mentioned knowing that he was in love with this girl before I moved here, and he denied it. And this was only about a month or so ago. So I feel like he's lying to me about their relationship. And I think it's making my anxiety worse.

 

I did do a tarot reading on the issue. And it basically said he's friendly and maybe slightly flirtatious with this girl, but he hasn't and isn't going to cheat on me.

 

I guess I do have to concede that these are my own insecurities. And I have to get over them. I just feel like I'm the only person not in the know. We made plans to hang out with this girl the other day. And when my boyfriend told his friend, his friend said, "Wait.... April? April April?" like it was a weird thing for us to be doing. And it made me so self conscious and almost... embarrassed. Maybe I'm just reading into things too much. I dunno.

 

I don't have another therapy session for a month. :( So that's gunna be hard. But I'll work it out I guess. :angel:

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I think you should only ask if you can handle the worst

 

Because if you can't handle it, then why give yourself the trouble and let it get between you guys?

 

But if you can handle it, why do you need to know?

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I havent read your second post.

 

What I feel about this is because you are intuitive, you normally know the answers. When it comes to some matters our intuition argues with our rationale. I know this from having simillar levels of intuition to you. When I am faced with a challenge like this, I tend to argue with myself, and that is not good for our energy, it can cause anxiety, which then exasperates the problem.

 

So I am talking to both of us here. Live in the present. Know that you can face challenges as they happen, and dont try to force your intuition. It will disrupt your energy, and in turn the universal flow of energy to all the good things that are coming to you. (Yes that last bit was insight, there are good things coming your way, and minesmile.gif )

 

There is also an underlying thing here, that you dont trust men in general. That is because of your past. Each person is different, and if we are open and loving and accepting of people for who they are as an individual, then this will help.

 

It may be best to actually switch your intuition off for the current time, and see if that helps.

 

Knowing the answers in advance does not always prevent events from unfolding. Sometimes it can even contribute to them for instance because of our moods.

 

I think you just have to go with the flow of life. Live in the present. Don't use your intuitive skills as a control mechanism. (more insight I hear is that is not what they are for)

 

Interesting what I just heard. Of course we cant read for ourselves!! That is not why we have these abilities. It is not to try to control our earthly lives, so no amount of trying to use your insight in this situation will help.

 

I think there is a saying "Let go and let god". I think both of us need to do that right now.

 

I am going to draw a "soul lesson" card for us both. We are in different situations, but having similar energetic problems.

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"Love your spirit"

 

Ok, the first line in the book, has freaked even me out!!!

 

"Do you feel misunderstood in your relationship with another

 

Are you struggling to hard to understand someone? have you bent over backward to be loving but felt there is no return flow, which leaves you drained and resentful

 

welcome to the world of relationships, the worlds most challenging arena - and the greatest opportunity to grow.

 

Open this school with a loving heart and know that your Higher Self is ever present and loves you completely.

 

YOUR SOULS PURPOSE Right now is to fully embrace and love your Divine Spirit with the same acceptance and appreciation that your Higher Self has for you.

 

Your Sou's lesson. Practice SELF LOVE in ALL of your relationships - the more you love your spirit, the better things will flow from others.

 

Ask yourself what you want from these people that you aren't getting?

 

WHAT ARE YOU DENYING OR REJECTING IN YOURSELF that you want someone else to give to you?

 

MOST IMPORTANT right now is to ease up on self judgement and make up your mind to adore your spirit completely, even with all your imperfections. No one can improve upon sel-love. When you cherish yourself, you beging to feel and experience the affection and acceptance of others, not before.

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I think this is something deeper than the current situation, and I only say this because I am similar.

 

At some point in our lives we blamed our self for something. " If only I'd known that, I could have done this". This has actually caused us on some level to be more intuitive, to look to the future and find answers in the future, as we never want to ever feel to blame for something again. Obviously you would have to have an intuitive personality type to begin with, to enable this to happen. But this life event was meant to happen, so that we did learn to use our psychicness.

 

But at some point we have to realize that we cant prevent things from knowing them in advance, and trying to just causes us a load of pain. As much discomfort of when we witnessed things going wrong and felt to blame somehow.

 

In other words we must learn when to let go, and go with the flow, to restore the harmony and peace in our spirit and therefore our lives.

 

angel.gifwub.gif

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I think this is something deeper than the current situation, and I only say this because I am similar.

 

At some point in our lives we blamed our self for something. " If only I'd known that, I could have done this". This has actually caused us on some level to be more intuitive, to look to the future and find answers in the future, as we never want to ever feel to blame for something again. Obviously you would have to have an intuitive personality type to begin with, to enable this to happen. But this life event was meant to happen, so that we did learn to use our psychicness.

 

But at some point we have to realize that we cant prevent things from knowing them in advance, and trying to just causes us a load of pain. As much discomfort of when we witnessed things going wrong and felt to blame somehow.

 

In other words we must learn when to let go, and go with the flow, to restore the harmony and peace in our spirit and therefore our lives.

 

angel.gifwub.gif

 

I agree so fully with this. It is something that I have been learning this past year.

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Chamuel, your post almost made me cry. :wub:

 

Everything you said rings true with me. I do have a serious problem with self love. And it's manifesting in the form of anxiety. I've been trying to deal with it, been working on it through therapy, but it's still an underlying issue. I read once that depression is living in the past and anxiety in living in the future. So all of my worries are keeping me from living in the present.

 

I do ah valve a hard time trusting men, and you aren't the first to say so. I had to go through therapy in the eighth grade, and my counselor then said the same thing. He suggested it was because I've never had a very good relationship with my dad, but it's more than that now. I've been cheated on a lot in my life. And on two separate occasions, I knew it happened and was mad at myself that I couldn't do anything about it.

 

When I was fifteen, my boyfriend and I went to the bowling alley with some friends. This girl Jamie that we knew showed up, and for some reason, I was angry about it. I didn't know why. Jamie had been my friend since I was seven. She'd never betrayed me or given me any reason to dislike her. But I was angry that she was there. And I didn't want to leave her alone with my boyfriend. Bowling was going to go past my curfew, so I even called my mom and asked if I could stay out later because something didn't feel right. She agreed, so I got to stay all night. Nothing happened. I went home, went to bed, went to see my boyfriend the next day. He had stayed the night with a few other guys at my friend Sarah's house. When I got there, I found out Jamie had stayed the night too. I was immediately angry. I avoided her all day. Any time she went into a room, I left. I didn't talk to her all day. I didn't know why. But I was mad. I found out a few months later that she had slept with my boyfriend the night we went bowling.

 

That was my first real intuitive moment. And my first real betrayal in life. So when I start getting these feelings, I wonder, is it intuition? Or just anxiety? In this situation, I'm confident it's just anxiety. I have so much to lose in this relationship, much more than normal. And I see ghosts where there are none.

 

I want to say I trust my boyfriend. And most days I do. But I don't think the lack of trust is coming from him. It's just me. I'm just afraid. And I'm working on it. :)

 

Thanks Chamuel. Your post really helped put things into perspective. :angel:

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